How to Beat Procrastination

Look outside. The red and orange tumbles to the ground in beautiful chaos. Leaves scatter through the wind, carrying with them the scent of fall. The faint ringing of rakes scraping the grass reminds us of when our father made us miss the All Saint’s Day festivities at Uncle Fred’s to deal with the leaf epidemic. This epidemic was, like the top of a church, heavily embellished, and I sat on the porch, considering the ideal moment to strike (the group of leaves, not my father on the back of the head. Stop getting so morbid). Yet I never moved from that porch. As the leaves crashed to the Earth like Icarus or United 93, I realized my procrastination was holding me back.

And as I watched the snow sweep over the pines I decided it was time to stop procrastinating, and help others stop too. Like President Bush said at the State of the Union Address, “we cannot sit idly by as Al-Qaeda floods our levies with subprime mortgages” (to clarify, George, not the fire rapper of the family Jeb, aka the Burning Bush). So clearly even our President agrees, and one can simply look at his campaign against Romney to see what happens when you procrastinate. If you look at his debate, you’ll quickly look away, given it went so poorly.

Like a handshake with Zeus, it was quite the shock. Lying in a Summer meadow, I realized that if even our President, Donald Trump, was struggling with procrastination, it is my duty as an American to come up with a quick guide for how to not procrastinate.

  1. Don’t let the present be the past or the future will be too fast
  2. Nap only when you’re asleep. You can’t procrastinate when you’re dreaming.
  3. Don’t listen to your Grandpa’s rants about the procrastination ghost who will come to –

Eh this is good enough. I’ll finish it later. Just remember all this advice for the upcoming year. Let’s hope 2017 is better than this one!

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