5 Things Not to Do in Mexico
(1) Murder. This one’s a no-brainer. Our amigos down South of the border have a zero-tolerance policy for killing innocent civilians, so leave those firearms in your carryon before you get any funny ideas. Murder in Mexico carries a penalty of hard time, and I don’t mean community service. I’m talking about prison. No comprende? Let me save you the trouble of pulling out the spanish-english dictionary and spell it out for you. If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.
(2) Join a sorority. Think you want a Big now? The only big you’ll get joining a sorority in Mexico is big trouble! The Zetas down there aren’t like your Zetas up North. Unless your Zetas up North were 250-pound, tattooed narcotraficantes. If they were, your hazing policies put Penn State to shame. Or you go to a very progressive school. If not, stick with Model UN.
(3) Freestyle Rap Battle. Sure, you’ve spit a few bars in the shower back home, but you bring that sack of salty carpet lint to Tijuana and you’ll be bringing a knife to a gun fight — you left the gun in your carryon, ya’ dummy! Turns out the lingua franca in Mexico is actually the lingua hispanica, more commonly known as Spanish, and less commonly know as Arabic, as Arabic is more commonly a descriptor for the language spoken in the Arab world, but I digress.
(4) Spring break with the kids. Unlike bees, Mexicans aren’t stingy, so you aren’t going to find a single kids menu in Cancun. Jimmy wants chicken fingers and fries? Well Jimmy’s about to grow up real fast, because he’s paying full price for that midday snack. The saving grace here is that in Mexico, you have the option to go mano a mano for your meals, which is really going to bolster your bottom line. Psych! You left the gun in your carryon, ya’ dummy! Welcome to the real world, Jimmy!
(5) Start a business. All the hot gossip nowadays is about the burgeoning tapas market. Keep your salsa-covered fingers out of it, Jimmy! We’re sitting on the biggest bubble since the housing crisis. Unless you want to be the focus of The Big Short 2: Loco por Tapas, you best keep your entrepeneurial ventures to ordering collectible coins off the History Channel commercials.