A Farewell to Arms

This is not a post about the Ernest Hemingway novel of the same name, nor is it a post about the first person shoot-em-up VR video game adaption of said novel, nor is it about the theatrical adaption featuring Ernest’s reanimated body playing said video game. At this point the reader might inquire, what, then, is this post about? I would assume the reader’s gender in asking him to put his hand down and be patient. I’m getting there. This is also not a post about the Sierra Leone civil war. That would be a very dark pun, and we hit our dark pun quota when we named the blog. At this point the reader might inquire, well why isn’t there a post about the Emmy award winning cinematic adaption featuring Ernest’s reanimated body playing the above-mentioned video game? I would politely ask that the reader consider writing his questions down and asking them later. I’ll also be getting to that. What this post is about, however, (suffice it to say that it is not a post about Michelle Obama’s biceps/triceps routine), is ambiguous titles.

For centuries, so-called “authors” have been churning out so-called “literature,” called so by the so-called “readers,” who upon delving into the “literature” are utterly blind-sided by the “authors” who, with a little smoke and a little more mirrors, claim to write about one thing and (this is where the utter blind-siding comes in) write about another.

Take, for example, the Bible, by Jesus. I mean, what the hell. If I’m browsing the shelves and I come across this bad boy, I’m going to be wondering how I was the first guy to come across this corpse over the last 2000 years. Moreover, if I come across the Bible in said bookstore, how am I supposed to know what it’s all about. It could be anything. It can’t actually be anything, because I do have a few context clues. First of all, it’s less than a thousand pages, so it can’t be emails (and believe me, we’re going to get to the bottom of this about the emails). Second, it would be in the Fiction section, so it can’t be related to the Fast and the Furious franchise. This leaves several possibilities. Is it a self-help guide for quadruple amputees who dream of becoming pilots? Is it Paula Dean’s comeback-of-the-century southern homestyle cookbook? Is it the Spanish translation of the Quran? The reader, who has since taken a seat and undoubtedly jotted down several questions, might at this point fall victim to temptation and ask, “but doesn’t everyone know what the Bible is about?”

I’m glad the “reader” asked this. The answer, while a resounding yes, is a resounding no. Allow me to take us back to a simpler time, when the Bible was an obscure, cult-classic which had only started to gain traction thanks to the first person shoot-em-up VR video game of the same name. Without reading the whole book, no one would have been able to guess what it was about based on the title alone. Some poor sucker had to have read that entire sucker on a whim! In Jesus’ defense, he was originally going to title it “My Struggle,” a slightly more descriptive title, but the analysts predicted the German translation may cause some turbulence. Then one of the analysts suggested they call it the Bible. Everyone found this joke quite the knee-slapper, except for Jesus, who took it seriously.

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