So who here has played the game Tetris? Doesn’t matter what you played it on, so long as you played it. No need to be shy. Here, why doesn’t everyone who’s played the game raise their hands? Oh ok, none of you have played it? Guys come on, please just take this seriously. Alright, thank you. I’m starting to see some hands. Felipe great, Josh, Persephone. Good, good. Now all three of you get the fuck out. You too Geoff, I saw you looking around to see if more people were going to raise their hands and then saw only three people were so didn’t raise yours. Get the hell out of this blog.
Tetris, for those of you who inexplicably don’t know, is a game based around stacking tetrominos (shapes made of four squares) to form lines on the grid, after which they disappear. I’m sure most of you still here have actually played it and just weren’t stupid enough to raise your hand. There’s a reason I hate the game Tetris. You are about to find out why.
In the deep reaches of space, passed even the mighty Oort Cloud, there lives a nascent race in the Gemma Beta squadron (the galaxy shaped like a boot). This race, the Tectrons, are made up of four biological squares of matter. The colors for each individual Tectron are all uniform. The species as a whole comes in several colors, however. The race is a recent spacefaring one, only developing it in the last thousand or so years. You know the Pyramids in Egypt? Come on, don’t be shy, raise your hands. No one here knows them? OK, Geoff is the only one, really? Geoff you shouldn’t even be here, I already told you to get out. I’m not going to say it again. I don’t repeat myself Geoff, how many times do I have to tell you that?
So yeah how do those Pyramids, the ones on Egypt that are large and a beige like color, tie into Tectrons? The extremely complicated pyramids were actually all built by humans, but the Tectrons could’ve built them too if they were there and had the motivation to. If only they hadn’t been in a millenia long civil war.
Deep past the fearsome Oort Cloud, the Tectrons had turned against each other, brother fought brother, sister fought brother, Grandpa fought brother (this is all the same brother by the way. Anthropological evidence suggests he started this war, setting most of the planet aflame, murdering children in front of their parents, ultimately slaughtering billions. He torched the great works of Tectron history, and ushered in a multi-species extinction. Basically, this guy was a real jerk.)
After recovering from the Civil War, America, (I’ve moved into a new civil war, try to keep up) received first contact from the Tetrinos, a loose radio wave that was picked up John Wilkes Booth’s gun, causing it to discharge in the back of Lincoln’s head before Booth could point it to the ceiling and fire the gun as a joke to spook the fun-loving President. Only now do we realize Booth was as much, if not more, a victim than Lincoln was.
The first empire to fully recognize the Tectrons far past the massive Oort Cloud, was the Soviet Union. Rather than attempt a diplomatic message, they began preparing for war, a thought pattern adopted by the other world powers after they learned of the existence of this alien race. This is where the game Tetris comes into play. Tetris is essentially a testing ground for advanced military strategy to use on the aliens. This plot was first uncovered by Orson Scott Card, who alluded to it by writing Ender’s Game. This progress was undone by the American government. Using advanced science and other conspiracy stuff, they turned the progressive author into a vocal homophobe to ensure no one could possibly take him seriously.
The game of Tetris has already helped the world’s military implement ingenious military tactics against the Tectrons, crushing millions to geometric death. The more people who play this game, the more lethal the strategies become. Everyone who knowingly plays this game (play under hypnotism doesn’t count), is helping to commit genocide. Thus, I believe our best step is to put a blockade on Tetris and enacting block aid for the struggling race.
Alright, let’s just take a quick poll to see who will crusade against the world. No need to be shy. No hands, really ? Wait, nice, seems like we got one. Wait a min – Goddammit Geoff, get the hell out!)