Jeff’s Party: A Retrospective Review


In this post I’ll be reviewing my friend Jeff’s recent party. To properly frame the party for the reader, I suppose it’s necessary that I first review Jeff as a person. Jeff, a psychoanalyst whom I met a few years ago at a Kidz Bop Sings Chopin concert (delightful concert: 9.8 out of teen), is twenty eight years Jung with a steady side job as a tight rope walker. He is known for making a lot of great joke and sometimes he skips breakfast (not by choice, he usually does not have enough money to eat breakfast). Sometimes he just skips.

Pros: Has a great joke, can walk on things professionally, great taste in music, skips

Cons: Skips breakfast, poor (this isn’t necessarily a con, but he always ends up stopping next to any homeless person we see on the street and saying to them “Oh, you think you’re poor. Get a load of this, he thinks he’s poorer than I am”, and Jeff points to me as he does it, which makes it awkward and I have to be like “well he does look pretty poor. And he’s missing all his fingers and I think a foot, look at how his shoe is, like it looks like there is no foot supporting it’s structure. It must be awful for him in terms of transportation.”), didn’t include me in his T-Mobile Top 5 thing so now I have to use valuable data when I want to talk to him.

Overall Jeff is a 5.4.

Now that people know who Jeff is, I’m gonna review his party. Despite Jeff being born in November, he decided to through a birthday bash a few days ago in the month of May. He also asked that instead of gifts people just give him food or gift cards to restaurants (I’m pretty sure he just decided to have this “birthday bash” because he didn’t have money to buy actual food).

In terms of provided music, Jeff surprisingly hired a DJ (technically the DJ referred to himself as a DK, a reference to his bizarre Donkey Kong themes he mashed up with Marxist speeches. His full name was DK Kongunist. As awful as this name was, he was actually pretty good, a solid 7.4 out of 10. His mashup of the DK Rap with the screams of the Romanov family killed. His Mao ZeKong mash up was pretty solid too: “Political Power Grows out of the Barrel”). There was also a man dancing the entire time, and at first it wasn’t clear if he was hired or just really liked dancing. Apparently he was operating under Gyspy curse logic, where if he stopped dancing he would turn into a pile of un-molded clay. It was pretty lame, thankfully Jeff forced him to leave.

In terms of food, the party provided some interesting selections. There was an old pineapple, marinaded in a fermented molasses. Jeff didn’t let anyone eat it, it was just there to disprove the prevailing theory that he was only having this birthday bash to get food. The other “food” he had, included a can of tangerines signed by someone named Bobald Dylan (I’m presuming it must’ve been an impersonator of Bob Dylan. All he signed was “Hey Mr. Tangerine Can – Bobald Dylan. Stay young”. The pun is about a 4.8 out of 10. The stay young part is also bizarre, pretty creepy comment to sign). Jeff also had a picture of an ice sculpture that he said he had to melt down in order to have enough water to bathe. His odor can only be described as an onion-honey badger medley, so his claim is a bit suspect.

For entertainment Jeff provided a die with a six on two of the sides (there was no 3, a classic staple of most dies).

In terms of the people he invited, Jeff somehow managed to get a surprisingly high amount. There was a healthy mix of Juggalos, Continental philosophers, Otakus, and allegedly the displaced spirit of a small orphan boy who perished in a tragic fireworks accident. Despite the topics of the various party conversations inexplicably shifting towards the hazards of gunpowder used for commercial pyrotechnics, the crowds of people mingled fairly well. Gunpowder in fireworks is actually really dangerous and people should not use it in celebrations due to the inherent danger. Woah, sorry, got distracted I guess. 

Pros: Great crowd, DK Kongunist really hit the Marx with his music, great picture of an ice sculpture.

Cons: Ice sculpture wasn’t present, Jeff, poor entertainment (the poor people were entertained by that dice but most weren’t), bad puns, gypsy curse, gunpowder is dangerous and shouldn’t be harnessed for any spectacular celebrations in the sky.

Overall Party Rating: 5.9 out of 10. Yeah, it was alright. I wouldn’t go to another one, Jeff. I hope you enjoyed the jar of capers I gave you.


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