Six Easy Skills You Can Teach Yourself

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Didgeridoo: Aboriginally used in Australia, this instrument is a real hoot. It can be used for a few things, such as warding off small game (Kangaroos, Koalas, Jenga), fighting someone in a duel of wits, and to vault over a small barricade. If I had a nickel for every barricade I vaulted with my personal didgeridoo “Rink Dickinson” (a reference to the late, great legend), I’d be able to buy a new didgeridoo. Vaulting breaks the doo.

Reading: This one is pretty big. Yes, learning how to read is important. If you don’t know how check out the political piece my friend Manny Festo wrote espousing it’s importance. And reading isn’t just reading books too, reading people is important as well. Consider learning Braille, it makes reading people much easier. I can just put my hands on their faces and explore, usually gaining important knowledge about their life, making a friend in the process.

Pit Fighting: I, for one, not only hate fighting but hate pits as well. I’ve been in my fair share of both and it is no walk in the park (which I also do not enjoy). When these two things are combined, that’s when you are in real trouble; there’s nothing worse than a well armed pit. To practice for this inevitability, I suggest rounding up some small animals (Maybe a swarm of blood-lusted Mosquitoes, a successful shark that still has something to prove, Koalas) bringing them to a pit with you and training.

Forward Somersault: The somersault is widely considered the physical equivalent of a suave pick up line. I’ve done it in front of more girls than they can remember and it’s always worked. This isn’t to be confused with a backwards somersault, a maneuver so dangerous it was banned by an organization as evil as the SS (Somersault Society, not to be confused with the even more evil BSS, the Backwards Somersault Society, the dangerously forward thinking organization). In fact, the backwards somersault left my friend Anthony paralyzed from the waste down (he attempted to do this in a dumpster. I begged him not to. I can still here his screams as the old cans of Mr. Pibb tore his spine. Lets just say Anthony put the can in “cannot” hahaha. RIP).

Parkour: There’s no climb or reason (reference to the saying rhyme or reason with a parkour twist) why any of you can’t learn parkour. The art, for those of you who don’t know, involves climbing things and then de-climbing them, usually throwing in a few mid air somersaults (sometimes referred to as median-air body flips or MABF, for short) along the way. The MABF make you look like a ball to onlookers, which is done to invoke the the ancient Ball God Ayn Round. Parkour is sometimes referred to as a cult, but there is nothing occult about a bunch of straight men inciting the powers of the Round and performing the ritual to appease the Heavenly Spheres of Black Sky Above (HSBSA, for short. If you are pronouncing the acronym right it should sound like a lisping snake).

Staging a Coup in a Developing Nation: A must have on your resume. This skill is in high demand with employers, alongside fingers, ability to recognize fires of various colors, and the wizened smile of Agnor, lord of the Spheres.  Read famous pamphlet The Taming of the Coup for more information, by Killiam Makespear (yes, his pseudonym is stupid, but he actually has a lot of good points, like the one on his spear.)

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