Some new readers of our blog may not be aware that we often get famous intellectuals to come on to our blog to write a post. Old readers also might not have known this because we’ve never done so. Usually the person will call in last minute and give a lame excuse why they can’t come. We’ve heard them all: my hair spray can was full of hair, my scalp fell off, my yacht crashed on an abandoned desert island (this one we got only after the search and rescue team found the remains), my horse attacked my neighbors again, it turns out the milk was expired, I need to solve a murder, someone poisoned my shoes, my neighbors ate my horse…. The list goes on.
However, we’ve finally built up enough bribe money to be able to afford the best intellectuals this side of the Mason Dixon line. Due to the fact that the blog is headquartered on a private jet (a la CIA in The Dark Knight Rises) which is headquartered on a private yacht, we could be on either side of the MD line, which is to say we can afford any intellectual we want.
With the onslaught of professional articles soon to be gracing our humble yet not really that humble blog, we’ve decided to provide a few bios of the authors and some choice quotes/excerpts by them to give you a sampler of what’s to come.
Eli Cole, expert in food related illnesses, part time food critic: Born and braised (Eli insisted we include this pun) in the urban bayou of rural Louisiana to a scientific family of wolves, he was cultured early in the ways of bacteria and cooking, sparking his love for food related illnesses from an early age.
Choice Quote, from his book The Ins and Outs of In-N-Out Burger: “Studying bacteria is as natural to me as breathing”¹
Phil A. Buster, PhD in Contemporary History: A former congressman has since taken up a robust career as a public intellectual in the field of 20th century history. What else do you want to know about him? His birthday? Fine, it’s March 28th, 1961. His favorite movie about Hercules? Ok, it’s a tie between the animated one and the one with the Rock. His first memory? I forget. His preferred brand of socks? I just don’t see why you think this is relevant.
Choice Quote, from his memoir Quotations: “Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun”²
Josh Joshanson, dual PhD in Theoretical Physics and Seismology: Of Lithuanian descent and Portuguese ascent, he’s the only living relative of Gustavus Adolphus, famous and obscure general. Noble Prize and Nobel Prize winning for his groundbreaking work on Earthquakes, he is pursuing research on the quantum mechanics of quantum mechanics.
Choice Quote, from his manifesto Say Hello to my Little Particle: “Not only is the quark smaller than an atom, it is.”
Tom Clancy’s Ghost, provided to us by medium Paul Tergeist: Known for his riveting stories and for haunting old Barnes & Nobles, TC’s G is the bee’s knees. Author of books such as The Final Veto, Claw of the Antelope, The Last End of Justice part 2 and North by Newark. And did I mention he’s single? He’s currently shopping around on eharmony, the ghost version, so hurry up ladies.
Choice Quote, from self-help book What to Expect When You’re a Specter: First off, you’re a ghost, an abomination, something that shouldn’t exist but does. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. But you don’t have to be like that.
¹For clarification, Cole has been in an iron lung since birth
²He’s been accused of plagiarizing this from Mao Zedong, but claims it’s “a certified Buster original” though certification was shown to be counterfeit.