Hey so if you’re reading this you are fleeing from a cop. For the sake of this post I’m going to assume you are fleeing and being chased by car. In a future post I will cover non-car possibilities, so those of you reading using helicopter, Jet Ski, Heelys, house suspended by balloons, don’t freak out. After all, you have more important things to focus on.
First off, stay focused while driving. Distracted driving has caught more crooks than the cops have (probably)! Think about it. Just kidding! Slipping off into random thought reveries is one of the worst kinds of distracted driving. For example, famous horse driver Paul Revere got the name Paul Reverie after he rode his horse into a river getting distracted about how he accidentally got a haircut with his wig on! Some say the shame led him to rebel against the British, redeeming his name in one last final blaze of horseback glory to overcome his distracted riding. Or how about famous fish smuggler Adolf Fin, who, when fleeing on a Jet Ski after stealing the fish who played Nemo in Finding Nemo, began to think whether mood rings change per personality on people with multiple personality disorder. Next thing he knew the only thing he was finding was what it’s like to be someone’s bitch in prison! Nemo Fish, Nemo problems. So to sum it up don’t let anything distract you while driving.
Now let’s go over how to lose a cop in ten days!
First off, you gotta string him along for the first nine days. If I had a nickel for every time a guy just made some sharp turns down alleys and left the cop in the dust, I would be marginally wealthier. Yeesh… If you want to lose the cop in ten days, make sure you don’t lose him in the first hour. Now, assuming that you got a cop to follow for the first nine days (if you haven’t please get one. And having nine cops follow you for one day does not count). The top three most popular ways for getting a cop to follow you for nine days are as follows.
- Asking them to follow you for ten days.
- Shooting them and then asking them to follow you for ten days.
- Blackmail them, then force them to go undercover in an underground sex trafficking ring, then expose their true identity during a transaction by releasing a banner in the sky from an airplane right above them (the sex trafficking ring might be underground, but they like to do business, generally, above ground). After this agent is killed, his best friend and partner, Gregorio, will swear revenge on you and track you down back to your home with violent intent. Ask him to follow you for ten days by car.
Next, on the tenth day, floor it! Drive your car as fast as you can go and do not stop for anything, not even other people fleeing from cops. If the cop can keep up with you, simply call the cops saying a cop is harassing you and they will put an end to it. However, if this does not work and now even more cops are harassing you, stealthily eject from your car and have the idle vehicle crash into something flashy, maybe a camera. Not only will you fake your death, but you’ll appear to, like a prostitute last job, go out with a bang. Now I know this resolution is a bit short, it’s just that I’m on my tenth day myself and need to focus on the pigs grovelling on the highway behind me, rather than the ones sitting behind their computer monitor (jk you guys aight!)