The Rules for Surviving a Horror Film

the_scream

After writing my well received post about horror films and realizing my flawed analysis of the classic Cars 3, I’ve decided to write a sequel. No, not to Cars 3, that movie ended on a perfect note (C shARp). Instead I’m writing a sequel to my blog post on horror movies. This post is in particular inspired by the horror movie Scream and the list of rules they set out for you to need to survive the film. First, let’s deconstruct the rules given in Scream. I’m pretty sure these are them.

  1. Don’t Have Sex: First off this repressive rule limits one of the purest forms of expression for the human spirit. By shackling this form of human intimacy, the victims of this horror film might as well already be dead.
  2. Don’t Drink or do Drugs: Now I’m a fan of doing drinking or drugs as the next guy (assuming the person next to me is into that stuff. Given my crippling social anxiety, the person next to me is likely no one). To clarify, I’m as big a fan of drinking and drugs as no one. That being said this rule is repressive.
  3. Never say “I’ll be right”: Back, way in the beginning of Scream, there was a horror movie contest with the killer asking trivia. Though the killer knew all the answers, he still was beaten in the end. Being right is overrated. Assuming you are right, as this quote indicates, is as bad as the killer in these horror movies. Arrogance is as much a murderer as famous murderer Michael Myers (though his only certified victim is his career after he released #theloveguru). This rule is the only one that is acceptable.

Now here is my revised list of rules, some are Tyler originals, some are inspired by various horror movies, either way I’m not going to elaborate on them too much because they are all fairly intuitive.

  1. Never say “I’ll be right.”
  2. Never shower with a man who murdered his mother.
  3. Don’t let an alien jump out of your chest.
  4. Never do anything less than a double knot with your laces. Ignore if wearing velcro.
  5. Never get stranded in the Antarctic and then awaken a shapeshifting alien.
  6. Don’t pat the killer on the back and say “nice job” every time he kills someone.
  7. Push your door really hard when you open it (this way if there is someone hiding behind it they will be like “oh shit” and you will be like “How bout you get out of my house. Please and thank you, sir.”
  8. Don’t get possessed by a demon, unless your parents know a trustworthy priest.
  9. Don’t repeat any word three times in a row.
  10. Don’t trip when running.
  11. Never videotape anything. Well, unless something crazy is going down you know your friends back home won’t believe unless there is video evidence.
  12. If zombies are involved, wear thick clothing in their presence to protect from biting. When you are just with humans get completely naked so you can all see if anyone has been bitten. If someone refuses to do so, shoot them.
  13. Have fun!
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