The Sad State of American Soccer


Soccer is often cited as “the most popular sport in the world” (Cheney 11). Its universality is in its intrinsic simplicity. You can play the sport with just a ball, a goal, socks, shin guards, regulation cleats, a jersey, and, of course, a proper field.  Yet for some reason, despite the amazing success of our women’s team, our men’s team is floundering like a fish on a dry soccer field. So without Freddy Adu, let me discuss the problem with US Soccer and how to fix it.

First off we need to learn the fundamentals of soccer. Other countries know how to pass, dribble, pass while dribbling, dribble while passing. We need to learn that stuff too. And we can, for the low price of 15 payments of $19,999. That’s right I’m offering you “Rock ‘em, Soccer, Robots: A True Story”, the DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack instructional video for just 15 payments of $19,999. Now, before you go running off telling the scam police about this, let me assure you this is definitely for real. Order now and you can even get a free life-size replica of a soccer ball.

Secondly, we need a goalie. This really should’ve been number one. Ever since Tim Howard retired/was cut (I forget which) from the men’s/women’s national team (again, the details are fuzzy) our net has been sitting wide open in the back of the field. This is especially problematic during games. The other team can easily get the ball into the goal with a nice chip over the fish that is our men’s team (I’m tying this back in to my earlier comparison to the men’s team being like fishes on a soccer field. Try to keep up).

Thirdly, we need to raise interest in the wellbeing of our team. America doesn’t care about our men’s soccer team. This actually definitely should’ve been number one.  I actually went on the streets and surveyed one hundred people, asking them to sum up the US men’s national soccer team in one word. Here where the top responses: “Not good.”, “Fish”, “Me?” “Good – oh wait, I mean the other thing, bad. That is what I meant.”, “Seriously, are you talking to me?”, and for my last response the person started crying and began yelling “Soccer is our shame”.

Lastly, we need more funding (this is a solid fourth ranking on the list). Men’s soccer is the only sport that doesn’t have their own jerseys. Though America was founded by humble, rich, hyper-intellectual British ex-pats, I for one am not for all the players running around wearing the catch of the day from the local thrift shop. What? It’s really just confusing trying to keep track of a colorfully mismatching team of people kicking the ball out of bounds.  The only state in our country able to provide the team with their need for their unspoiled uniforms would be, you guessed it, textile rich Pennsylvania. So get on that. I’d help but my only connection is with the DVD guy.

Thanks, and let me know about if you end up wanting Blu-ray combo set.



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