How to Write an Opening Paragraph

shakespeare

Hey!

I’m here to talk about, as you’ve likely deduced in the title above, how to write an opening paragraph. It’s really not that hard. Seriously there are less steps to it than a fat man’s staircase. This tutorial, unlike that grease beast and his shameful staircase, is useful when it comes to writing. As they say in the writing circuit, tu’s a tutorial and three’s a cloud (clouds are common literary symbols. i.e., Cloud Atlas, Cloud Atlas 2: Enter the Cloud). Tutorials are the cornerstones of the pyramids in the Empire of good writing.

Now, for the first step in writing a good opening paragraph: know your audience. Know everything about them. Know their eating schedules, their sleeping routines, their darkest secrets, anything you can use to blackmail them into saying that you had a great opening paragraph.

Secondly, know your audience’s audience. Why is your audience reading your paragraph? Who are they trying to impress? Is it attorney at law Donna Thadead, or noted congressman Phil Buster? Maybe it is someone more local, like the clerk at Starbucks who you’re assured is single after a recent accident involving her boyfriend and a pop tart filled with kerosene. Or so I’m guessing. The police report hasn’t come out yet. I’m sure we’ll learn “s’more” once it does.

Thirdly, start the paragraph with a buzz word like “ello”, “woah” or “bees”. This is a recipe in the cook book of good writing, used by the chefs of the books held dear by the world of literature. Doing this allows you to capture the attention of all the eager readers (reagers) similar to how a kidnapper would kidnap someone and force them to cook a pop tart filled with kerosene and then make it look like an accident.

For the body of the opening paragraph, you can never be too sure. Even professional writers like me and Nics have trouble with this. After the opening buzzword, the rest of the paragraph is a shit show. There are no rules. Anything goes and often times the reader will gently set your book down on his night stand in disgust! You just gotta keep pushing. Keep making those paragraphs. Even if you think you don’t know if you are on the right track, keep writing, and remember: at least you didn’t cook a pop tart filled with kerosene.

 

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