Spoiler Alert: For those of you who have not seen Jurassic World, I recommend that you sit down before reading this.
Jurassic World, a new movie about the dangers of owning dinosaurs, was a compelling metaphor for how to make a shitty film. It recently opened to the largest box office release in the history of the world. However, though it opened to such gaudy numbers, it will surely close as one of the most reviled films in Jurassic Park history. The assembled compilation of scenes passed off as a movie was riddled with plot holes. And though I’m as big a fan of holes as anyone this side of Stanley Yelnats, I’m not a fan of them when they are in a plot. So what holes are there you may ask? Let me elaborate.
First off, the film is a relatively simple adaptation of the Book of Jonah from the Bible. The new super dinosaur created by the team of scientists, named Oedipus Rex, managed to escape from captivity by crawling a mile through a septic tunnel, emerging clean from a river of shit. Like Jonah, she refuses to do the work assigned to her by her creator. Instead she flees from them, as Jonah did when he abandons the work of God, but she is swallowed by some fish thing, as was Jonah. Essentially a frame by frame adaptation of the book, it likewise ends with a post credits scene. Here it plays for the couple of viewers who are so desperately alone that they remain in the theater until the screen rolls black; they stay until the end to feel like they have a connection with something, anything, rather than leave halfway through like most. They are rewarded by seeing that Oedipus Rex is still alive and well tunneling out through the bloody pulsating rectum of the ferocious beast it resides in. As much as I appreciate biblical adaptations (a lot), this one needed to take more risks with its story telling.
Furthermore, though the name of the movie is titled Jurassic World, there is actually only a small segment of the world where these dinosaurs live in the film. This small segment is actually an island in Central America, named Isla Nublar, which for those readers of my blog not well versed in French means Flawed Script. It is also sometimes alternatively translated as Poor Dialogue or Lackadaisical Character Development. It depends on the regional dialect.
Likewise, the characters uttered cringe worthy dialogue throughout the film such as, “I dino about you, but I’m feeling pretty saur.”This was said by one of the local employees after he lifted some dumbbells inexplicably shaped like a deformed dinosaur with a large flat head, a thin middle section, and a similarly large flat bottom. Besides not explaining why they designed their weights like that, it also showcased the terrible writing in the film. The natives of Isla Nublar, who agreed to be in this film for whatever reason, come off as ill informed, and really just ill in general. One native guy looked really sweaty even though he was underwater.
Besides the title, which was my main grievance with the film Jurassic World (or as I refer to it “Jurassic Lame”), the movie fails to explain how this island should be referred to as a world. As most of us can infer the largest habitable island in the world is Earth, technically an island amidst a sea of stars (think about that for a second. Just thought of that right now). Some would claim the next largest island is Earth, and clearly they weren’t listening to what I was saying just now. Or maybe they were just a dim witted native of Isla Nublar, who gave up their land to Ingen to make a quick buck, which turned out not to be a buck but a dinosaur. We can ultimately see that Isla Nublar is not larger nor the same size of the world, making it likely unlikely that this island is the world.
And as Jonah said to the Lord, “grant me but an edge to tunnel from pulsating rectum of thou whale”, I pray that all the readers who have seen this movie can expunge the memories of this film from the rectums of their hippocampus.