Steven Seagal is an American hero. He is a legend of cinema, martial arts, martial arts cinema and shreddin on his blues guitar like it’s no ones business. He is a genius among fools, a saint among thieves, a rainstorm in a desert. He is a gazelle in the African prairies, a graceful, deadly creature capable of devouring a living being alive in one crepuscular bite. Some have called him the male Jessica Chastain, though it goes without typing that Seagal is twice the actor that half of her is. The majority of you reading this may not even know who this Gilgamesque demi-God is. You may not have seen the films he has made or the lives he has changed.
That’s ok. He was before your time. All you need to know is that he is a man, a myth. A man myth. A mammoth. A mammoth of cinema. He is to film what analogies are to parts of speech: awesome. Now if you haven’t seen Seagal’s recent direct-to-discount dvd film Against the Dark you may not understand the references I’m about to get at. But if you stick around through the nonsense, ya knucklehead, you may just learn a little something about the greatest threat of modern times, the force trying to rob us of our freedom, our livelihoods and our lives, the force that threatens to destroy us all and about the forces that comprise good filmmaking.
Steven Seagal is a man of our times. He is not only very modern but he’s also male. But people argue that Steven Seagal is not merely a man (they cite his flabby boobs, feminine ponytail and penchant for tight leather outerwear). As the mostly non-fictitious Ra’s Al Ghul would argue “if you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, and if they can’t stop you, then you become something else entirely. You become a legend” (ghul 23). To make myself completely clear, Steven Seagal is Ra’s Al Ghul, mythical curator of the lazarus pits! The proof has been in front of us all along, as is his plan for world domination. Just look in front of you, what do you see? A keyboard? A window pane? A hate crime? Computer duster? Two hate crimes? All of this is proof. Now let me show you how the pieces fit together.
The main piece of evidence is in Seagal’s film Against the Dark, the first part of a six part cinema epic filmed over the course of a cocaine-infused three day weekend. The saga stars Seagal as Katana Master Tao (just to clarify, Against the Dark is different from the film where Seagal stars as a martial arts expert/KKK leader titled Against the Darkies). Here, Steven Seagal, a versatile actor of screen and a stage, well known for his multiple rolls in films, plays the part of a master of the katana who goes by the name Tao, a man pitted against a horde of vampires in an abandoned hospital. Seagal “heavily” featured in the film assuming his favorite position, that of Master Tao of the Katana clan, is a cool headed slayer of vampires, a clear metaphor for Seagal’s illuminati-like ambitions. This ambition can be a great asset for Seagal’s characters, such as when Tao turned his stake out of the vampires into a stake in, brutally massacring the bloodsuckers. This ambition can sometimes get Steven Seagal himself embroiled in controversy.
Recently, the Ponytail Association of People (PAP) removed Steven from their ranks after it “Came to Light” (the name of the sequel to Against the Dark which mostly featured Tao sharpening his Katana) that his pony tail was taken from an actual horse. Steven was also banned from the restaurant Apricot Grotto after he mistook his waiter for the recurring vampire, Vampon, featured in “Against the Dark 3: Jurassic Dark”(Katana vs vampire T-rex clone hybrid), “Against the Dark 4: Joan of Dark” (a romantic comedy featuring Katana Master Tao and love interest Joan Of Dark, essentially just a darkened room voiced by Seagal), and “Against the Dark 5: Great White Dark”(plot tbd). After shoving his travel Katana into the Apricot Grotto guy’s ribcage Seagal then commented “guess I’m not the only one who ordered the full-rack of ribs”. He was then banished forced to wander between restaurant chain to restaurant chain in exile. Then Against the Dark premiered.
Evident in the film is grizzled Master Katana owner Tao’s blatant fear of overpopulation, whether it be by polluting humans or vampaging blood suckers. This is the very fear that drives Al-Ghul. Seagal’s chauffeur, known by his name “Fear” is proof enough that Seagal is criminal mastermind Ra’s Al-Ghul. The title of this film, Against the Dark, is a reference to the public difficulty Steven Seal-ghul and his exclusive group The League of Shadows, has been facing. Shadows, commonly known by their stage name “dark”, are being literally pitted against everyone. Steven is fighting an uphill battle, and if there is anything we know about this well-rounded actor, it’s that he hates hills. He is in a treacherous waters, where everyone is a shark and where every shark is thirsty for some death. Upon seeing how blatantly this film espoused his identity, he knew it could only further his PR problems/quest for world domination. Seagal banished it to discount DVD bins, never to be embraced by his fans as it should’ve bin.