Planet of the Apetheists

planet_of_the_apes

I recently crossed paths with a dwarven atheist named Kurt. Though he would probably say our paths intersected. And though this atheist is a heathen I saw he had a baseball shirt on so I decided to strike up a conversation, not to belittle him anymore that he already was, but to simply talk about good ol’ fashioned sports.

“Yo you like baseball? Your shirt has a baseball on it.”

“I don’t believe in baseball”

Though I was upset about how short he was with me, I remembered he can’t help it. He is an atheist after all. Due to my religious inclinations along with other things, it was impossible for us to see eye to eye. After his kurt response things went downhill faster than my bobsledding team. He became a confrontational and aggressive asshole once I asked:

“So… do you believe in God?’

“Eh. ”

“Who do you believe in? Harvey Dent?”

“Well I better be leaving”

And though the conversation only lasted 43 seconds, the lingering trauma lasted much longer (46 seconds). This encounter was not all bad however. It made me realize that some people deserve to burn in the nine circles of hell for all eternity. I used to think everyone deserved a chance in heaven but Kurt showed me some people should just be put on the express train to Hell Station and take the shuttle straight to those nine circles. In those circles you’ll see my square of a geometry teacher Sir Comference, who got fired after he made one of his students form a 90 degree angle. He also gave me a B+. And you’ll see my old dog Flinker, who drove a bus without the proper license. Also he ran through a stop sign and a small group of children. And he wasn’t wearing a seat belt. But all of these ne’er-do-wells, gave me the inspiration for a seemingly impossible mission: to prove that atheism is false in order to show these mofos that they are going to burn in hell. And I’ve found the perfect tool to do so, the cinema classic “Planet of the Apes.”

As a creationist (someone who believes stuff is created), the idea of evolution has always rubbed me the wrong way, sorta like a hand job from a Captain Hook hook up. Though the hook might get you off, you won’t get off the hook that easily. There is a steep. sharp learning curve. Also, I don’t like to think that I came from a monkey. I like to think I came from God. That he dropped his seed for humanity in the fertile womb of Mother Earth.

But evolutionists like to think Darwin has darwon this argument, and they darwon’t realize that, like a man leaving with the wrong luggage, that is not the case. Atheists (contemptibly known as “they” or “them”) say that humans evolved from monkeys and that these monkeys evolved from some older monkeys and those monkees were a novelty band or something that had one hit song that really wasn’t even that good. I definitely don’t buy it for one second. Even if I did buy it, I would return it the next day to get in-store credit and probably use it to get some Fritos or maybe part of a boar preserved in formaldehyde, I’m not sure what this hypothetical store sells.

Evolution is a key tenet in the apartment complex of ideas known as Atheism. Despite my formal training as an artist at the Modern Blart Institute, it is difficult for me to illustrate the problems with atheism. It’s reasoning is flawed more deeply than the Marianas Trench. Logically, it had more shortcomings than a dwarf orgy. And nowhere are these shortcomings better seen than in Planet of the Apes (and to be clear I’m referring to the original, not the sequel by Tim Burton where it turns out the villain was actually cyberbullying, leading Johnny Depp to transfer his mind into a computer (played by Johnny Depp) to stop it at the source. Though the sequel had the benefit of a healthy dose of deppatitis C, it still could not compare to the movie that came before it). But really, the following movie is never as good. Hell the TV show with Kevin Bacon isn’t great either. And though aboriginally set in Australia, the first Planet of the Apes film actually ended up taking place in a different location: the silver screen, and it was allegedly based on true events: evolution.

However, ask yourself this: Why do we not live on a planet of the apes right now? Why are the apes on our planet less intelligent than the ones from that planet (which it turns out is Earth, making this whole scenario even more confusing)? If evolution is true, shouldn’t there be a society of hyper intelligent apes? Shouldn’t they have a movie called The Planet of the Humans (assuming they call us humans) and wouldn’t they have a blog post where an ape similar to me questions all this shit? They would probably be typing this exact sentence as we (I) speak (type)! This is not the case. Whenever I ask an atheist to tell me why this isn’t so they just look at me, shake their stupid heads and walk away. I think it’s pretty clear they can’t conjure up any good answers from their magical science apocrypha.  They realize they’ve been beaten. They realize I just found the fundamental flaw in atheism. Praise be to Glycon!

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