Before you guys start reading this blog I would recommend standing with your back to a cliff or to a high up ledge. No reason.
I’m here today to write about chess. Chess is a game of strategy, tactics and no small amounts of wit and cunning. It is one of the most popular board games in history and a game which has defined eras of the human narrative. It is a two player game of grace and majesty, combining the brute force of a battering ram with the gentle soliloquy of a winding river. It’s also a racist, fear mongering board game that has been dividing the world for hundreds of years: it must be stopped.
Chess at its very core is a game about inequality. This inherent racism is masked by things such as capturing kings and promoting pawns. These are merely distractions to the average player so the person does not realize their subconscious is being pumped full of ideas about supremacy, white power, world domination and the new 2 for 10 appetizer-entree combo at T.G.I Fridays (I’ll explain this last bit later). Chess has been warped from a game of strategy into a game that promotes racism, inequality and mediocre yet affordable restaurants.
How is this game racist you may ask? Well that’s a good question, a question which I was going to answer before you interrupted me. Now I’ll just drag on the chess bashing for a little longer before I get to explaining the reasons why, cause you were being a jerk. I do things on my own terms. Ok, so chess sucks a chupacabra’s mangled scrotum. Chess wouldn’t know how to read a book even if it was their Job. Now that that’s taken care of let me explain myself. On my own terms. You don’t own me.
Do you think it’s a coincidence that the white pieces get to move first in this game? That was a rhetorical question, don’t answer that and by extension interrupt me, we’ve been down this road and you just come off as a major douche. This board game was designed by white people for white people. Also, just remembered, douche highway, that was the road we’ve (you’ve) been down, think about that the next time you want to interrupt me. According to the statistics, the average person playing the white pieces wins 56% of the time. That’s a little less than 3/5 aka 60%. This statistic finally answers one of the longest asked questions of United States history: how was the 3/5th (60%) part of the compromise chosen. The answer, similar to most of the questions in life, comes back to chess. The wealthy, educated founders of our nation decided to root their compromise in the dredges of a racist board game, rounding up the winning percentage of the whites as basis to dehumanize the blacks. The 3/5th is a reminder of the degradation of the black race and the success of the white people.
The black race have long been considered underdogs in human history. And though I don’t enjoy being underdogs as many unsavory characters do (besiality isn’t my cup of tea. I prefer the wide selection of teas on the delicious new T.G.I Friday lunch and dinner menu, which combines modern dining options with wallet conscious prices), I can sympathize with the black peoples of world. Chess is another example of all the abuse and genocidal rage directed at them over the years. And for all those chess nuts out there reading this article, take a step back, then fall to your deaths (muahahahahah!). If you were not reading this article while standing with your back to a cliff, for whatever your reasons are, just keep walking backwards after that initial step back. You’ll eventually walk off a tall building or into traffic or maybe into some random stranger taking a stroll which would be super embarrassing.
With contentious topics today like Ferguson, it is important to do what we can to stop racism at its roots. That is why we must outlaw chess. We must prevent its influence from growing and further disrupting racial harmony. It’s now your move Obama. Will you continue to let this injustice stand in the world and proliferate or will you cripple it at the source, will you let the racism of chess mate or will you put a check on the checkmates, mate?