Hello. Umm..my name’s Tyler but my friends call me, well they call me, Tyler as well. So I’m sure you are wondering why I gathered you all here. Bob’s dead. That’s actually his casket right there behind me. Okay, not so much a casket as a body rolled up in a rug, but that’s beside the point. The point is that you are all here to pay your respects.
I know some of you may be angry because I wrote “summer luau” on the invitations I sent out. For those of you who brought some tapas dishes like I asked, you can put them right on the table right by the fire pit. So I may have lied to get you here, but would any of you have come if you knew today was Bob’s funeral. Bob didn’t have a lot of friends. You probably remember him as the quirky taxidermist who had his mom stuffed after she died. That’s actually her right there in the front row.
Bob died of natural causes. A sharknado. This came only one month after his wife died from auto asphyxiation. I’m not entirely sure what that is but I think it means she was strangled to death by a car. Bob also had her stuffed. She’s actually sitting right there next to Bob’s mother. Bob’s life was a troubled yet remarkable one. Abandoned by his mother during a hike, Bob was taken in by a group of salmon. He was discovered by a Park Ranger, though eventually wandered off on the journey back to the lodge and was subsequently taken in by a pack of Eagles. Bob was later found by a different park ranger and reunited with his family.
But as remarkable as Bob’s accomplishments were in life, he never rested on his laurels. He always focused on what he wanted to achieve. For example, he was terrified he would die before he was able to reconcile with his father. They had a falling out one night over where to to go out for dinner. His father wanted Denny’s, Bob wanted the Sausage Hut. They each went separately to their chosen restaurant, never to see each other again. No amount of meaty sausage could fill the hole in Bob. So Bob decided to visit his father in NYC to make amends. It was then the sharknado hit. Bob died before he got to apologize to his father. But luckily the storm killed his father as well.