Desperate Times

Fiscal Cliff.  Obesity.  Nickelback.  Deep fried mayonnaise.  Detroit.  Donald Trump’s hair.  What the hell?  We’re supposed to live in the greatest country on Earth.  Nickelback? Really?  I’m here today because two-thirds of America has “high fructose corn syrup” listed as their registered blood type.  I’m here today because it’s suddenly become socially unacceptable to invade Middle Eastern countries as a means of jump-starting the economy.  I’m here today because The Onion has become more credible than my favorite right-wing newspaper.  That’s right – apparently Zooey Deschanel was not an initial Boston Bombing suspect.  And if you didn’t hear about that, then quite frankly, you’re also what’s wrong with America.

I swear I love this country to death.  I really do.  But I find it difficult to have faith in the system when we keep spitting out these horribly stupid ideas.  And we’re not even original.  The Anglos across the pond were denying people equal rights way before we jumped into the game.  The Ancient Romans made genocide cool millennia before we slaughtered the Native Americans and still refuse to acknowledge their existence.  Even the Ancient Greeks were having steamy office affairs decades before Clinton threw down in the Oval Office and Anthony Weiner decided to spice things up on the Interwebs.

But a lot of foreigners – and you know how we feel about those foreigners – fail to see what America is really all about.  Contrary to popular misconception, war is not our national sport.  War is our pastime.  Eating is our national sport.  And it shows.  It does show.  But at least we’re good at what we do.  So what if the Germans discovered calculus, the Brits invented the computer, and the Italians invented tax evasion?  They were all light-years behind us when we discovered the all-American, claim-to-fame, atherosclerosolicious Big Mac – and it’s all-American companion, the Remington .22 repeating rifle.

Sure, being the resilient Americans we are, we’ve managed to craft solutions to a few of our problems.  Obesity?  Well we’ve got life alert.  Social inequality? Oh, I’ll just update my Facebook status.  But as we’ve become painfully aware, these solutions are largely ineffective in the long-run.

What we need is a dictatorship.  I’m talking about full-blown tyranny.  Imagine all of our problems, tucked away in a single basket.  And then incinerated.  That right there, is the wonders of tyranny.

Congress, for example.  The very mention of that hell-hole of old white men slow-roasting our tax dollars over the flames of gridlock grinds my gears.  So imagine this.  Just one Dear Leader calling all the shots.  You just have to have a little faith.  No more irritating freshmen blowing up your newsfeed with their presumptuously flawed political beliefs.  No more Honeybooboo cancellations to make way for the election broadcasts.  No more listening to insightful tweets regarding how the Democrats will arm the homosexuals who illegally immigrated here in search of food stamps to buy abortions, or how the Republicans are using the tears of oppressed union leaders to resurrect the captains of industry and oppress the impoverished minority populations.  It’s a foolproof system.  If you agree with the regime, you’re like everyone else.  If you disagree, well…


Just look at how great some of the dictatorships of the world are.  Like the Vatican!  And don’t try to tell me the Vatican is a democracy.  It’s harder to get into conclave than it is to get into Harvard.  And that’s without affirmative action.  Hardly free and fair elections – oh, and they’ve never had a female head of state.  Can you imagine what kind of intrinsically flawed society can exist in the 21st century and never have had a single woman in charge?  Regardless, that place runs a tight ship.  Open borders, no sovereign debt crisis, and 741 consecutive years without waging a war on a religious group.  That beats the United States public’s record by about 741 years.


And speaking of war, dictatorships are some of the most non-violent societies around.  Look at North Korea.  Not a single, functional long-range nuclear weapon in existence.  In fact, when Kim Jong Un announces a nuclear test, the South Koreans break out the lawn chairs and picnic mats and line up at the borders.  The following conversation always goes something like this:


“Sir, we’ve hit a cornfield!”

“One of theirs?”

“No, one of ours.”


And they do a great job of fixing the obesity problem, as well! There are no fat people in North Korea.  Well there’s one fat person and his name is Kim Jong Un.  But in America, we call that “taking one for the team.”  I’m not sure what the secret is, but if we switched to a similar political system, we could just as easily say “to hell with the South Beach diet” and say goodbye to a society of heart disease and spherical, sweaty nine year olds at Six Flags.

It’s time for us to do something about America’s woes.  It’s time we take a stance against those pesky annoyances we run into on a daily basis, like poor people, warrantless wiretapping, and viagra advertisements.  Democracy has failed us.  After all, we should have seen it coming.  Democracy comes from the Greek roots of “demo,” meaning “the people,” and “cracy,” meaning the right to screw everything up.  Our biggest export is freedom, but every country from Iraq to Cambodia has requested a gift receipt.  We need some change.  And I’m not talking about the stuff Barry was selling back in 2008.  I’m talking about a shift from democracy, to absolute dictatorship.


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