Conspiracy theorists are among the most popular type of theorists in the United States. Or so the government would like us to believe. I have reason to believe this is not the case, that there aren’t any true conspiracy theorists out there in the world, well, besides you and me (by you I mean my future self, I’m assuming you are reading this. If you are then don’t eat the pasta salad, it’s poisoned (and ill tossed)! Lol jk dawg it’s not poisoned (did taste a lil’ shitty though). Wait, now that I think about it, why would I tell my future self what to do? Wouldn’t you tell me what to do? Oh shit! Was I not supposed to eat that pasta salad? Was that what you were trying to tell me? I knew the light switch wasn’t the only thing that tasted off. Oh God. I feel so cold. Why do I feel so cold? Pasta, ye be a cruel mistress. If I had a penne for every time I said that…).
Alright so it’s me future Frizz, filling in for recently deceased Frizz (he may also be napping in a pool of his own blood, I forget how they do it in this time “.”¹ But wait but if he’s dead then why do I still exist? Wouldn’t I disappear, or get sucked into a black hole, or explode or throw up or some sheet? Unless… what if I’m a robot?! Stand back, I’m going to cut myself with this kitchen knife to find out. Woosh! Ah shit, that really hurt. It’s all the way to the bone. I should not have cut myself in the groin. Aw is from-the-past me waking up right now? God this hurts worse than that clangbang². Ok so I’m pretty sure I’m not a robot. Pretty sure. Unless… Ow! Shit dawg, why did I just stab my groin again? Why am I even in this timeline right now? Did I travel back in time or did I (he) travel forward in time, honestly I don’t remember from all this blood loss. Oh God. I feel so cold. Why do I feel so cold? Knives, ye be a cruel mistress).
Alright this is past aka present Frizz. I’m back from a quick rest – shit is that future me napping on the floor in my (his) blood? Now I have no one to play Jenga with, I was looking forward to playing with myself. The tower was gonna get bigger and bigger until it exploded and got everywhere. And then people were going to be like “damn look at all that wood.” Stupid future people, they are never on time, screwing things up. Ok so back to the topic at hand: gloves. Some conspiracy theorists claim that gloves are made to actually prevent the evil sorcerer King Killvester from entering our bodies through the portals underneath our fingernails.
This leads me to conspiracy theorists as a whole. This hole, usually caused by abusive parenting or childhood bullying, is typically filled with illogical theories, aliens, and doritos. Most conspiracies are obviously wrong, but not all of them. Here is one big conspiracy that isn’t bullship: the titanic. Just take a minute to let those words hit you and sink in, because some people claim the Titanic never sank³. Conspiracy theorists are vocal and passionate, like Pavarotti, and often believe in abductions, deny valid scientific evidence, and have a Discovery Channel TV show featuring them searching for the Loch Ness Monster⁴, very much like Pavarotti. These deluded individuals make absurd claims of bigfeet and sassy squatches. They say that the Taliban is actually a branch of the CIA, that Treebeard is literally a branch of the armies of Mordor, and that Denny’s and IHOP are owned by the same person.
Some even contend that a JFK from a parallel universe, after the alternate United States was destroyed by the Soviet Union during a nuclear standoff in 1966, travelled to our dimension using an alternate-alternate Lyndon Johnson’s time machine (that LBJ travelled to that alternate dimension to stop his alternate self from choking on an alternate pastrami gyro). Alternate JFK, full of remorse for his role in destroying his own reality, shot himself, and by that I mean the JFK from our timeline. Despite some compelling evidence supporting this theory (LBJ did end up of choking on a gyro, barely escaping with his life⁵), it is quite clear that that these conspiracies hold little water, excluding of course, the one about the fountain. You know the one, where if you drink from it you will throw up or something. Ultimately, however, conspiracy theories are the work of imbeciles with nothing else better to do with their time. Or are they?
¹ In my time “.” we use a “.” instead of spelling out the word “.”
² Clangbang: noun: a nonconsensual robot human orgy
³ How could it have sunk? It starred Kate and Leo! And had over 2 billion worldwide box office receipts!
⁴ It turns out the real monster was global warming
⁵ see also: the Cuban Gyro Standoff