Hey what up dawg?
Things are going pretty good for me. Oh yeah case you were ponderin’ this blog post was written twenty years in the future! Yeah. You heard me correctly, and if you’re not listening to the audiobook recording of this post, then you read this correctly. If you skimmed past the post past-me posted on induction and logic (the two of which have sadly been outlawed by the UN) then my greetings should have made it clear that I am from the future. I am writing to warn you of a grave danger. Namely the dead awakening from their graves. I used to think it was cool to write all these blog posts ‘bout some made up government theory or some guy named Jeremy who is into making wicker baskets in the nude (RIP Jeremy). I used to think these posts were cool and hip. Even Nics used to think these posts were “happenin’ homie” (Marzaro 3). That is, until we discovered the existence of the Illuminati and their conspiracy to raise the dead (and not in the loving and nourishing household they need). Though this blog has been mainly used for some mediocre entertainment, here is our call to action. We need to start a petition on change.org to stop the illuminati from raising an undead army. Just 250,000 signatures and we’re like more golden than Aaron’s calf (and half as blasphemous).
What first aroused my suspicions (along with other things) was when a group of robots were brought in to my precinct (I’m a cop or something – in the future! – ). Based on a mug shot, these robots were brought in for the crime of firing a coffee cup at a man’s head. One of them was guilty. Based on my analysis of the evidence, my precinct narrowed down robots 1, 3, 7 and 11 as the prime suspects. I had to interrogate them. Due to my bipolar disorder, good cop, bad cop is something that has always come easy to me.
We finally discovered the guilty party: A Bot Mitzvah. It was here at this party, where a robot becomes a mandroid, when a down on his luck automaton decided to smash a human’s skull with a coffee mug. IT was also here when we discovered a the conspiracy to raise the dead (they had to run some security protocols on the mainframe). Why did them robos want to raise the dead? These robos, part of the bandwidth “bot-o-tune”, need groupies so it didn’t seem like they were completely lame. Unfortunately for them their plan pulled the same move that my morbidly obese neighbor Rwandre did after he publicly announced his New Year’s resolution. It didn’t work out in the end. Yes, the band raised a couple of zombie followers but underestimated the ambition of their undead fiends. Their “groupies” decided to form their own band called the “Brain Surgeons”. This leads me back to the Illuminati. The al-powerful group (their leader is named Al) had attended one of the Brain Surgeons’ concerts. As the band took stage the Illuminati realized that this musical ensemble was dead on arrival. This band was now to be one more cog in their wheel of destruction. The illuminati seeks to paint the world red with blood or dye trying. And they want to turn the world’s population into zombies and die trying. They believe that as zombies the world population will be easier to control and that as zombies their desire to eat human flesh will be more acceptable. Their chief operator, a man named Steve, furthermore believes a zombie apocalypse will give him a chance to try out some of his “sick” karate moves. If this group is not stopped, then the world will plummet into darkness.
I suppose it’s time I revealed some of their most dire, power hungry deeds.
2015: The illuminati bought seats on the board of directors for the world’s most powerful corporations. 5 of them were swivel. 3 of them had cup holders. All were satin (one letter away from satan. Coincidence?!) They also release a plague on the world population, leaving billions dead.
2020: One of their own is elected President of the United States. His first order of business is use the bones of inner-city orphans to practice black magic to bring about a plague/decrease in minimum wage to wipe out the illegal immigrants. The plan is surprisingly successful. He is reelected.
2021: Bill is passed in the White House in regards to most inter office affairs. The new record is 4
2027: The Illuminati receive non-profit organization status despite officially not existing. The apparent “government oversight” makes front page on Time (Travel) Magazine.
Time to end this with a classic joke from the future:
What do you say to a smelly robot?