If you’re reading this I’m already (un)dead. Or at least that’s my followers were lead to believe. My last post may have subtly implied that I was bitten by a zombie but I was just playing undead. I’m actually fine. Well I kind of fooled up my back last night sleeping but besides that I feel pretty good. If you’ve been living under a rock let me break it to you: there’s been a zombie apocalypse. Your best plan of action would be returning to your rock bunker and holeing up there. But if you are like most of us and without a rock like fortress to hide in, a Dwayne Johnson-esque safe haven, if you will or you’re Mark or Lucius or whoever, then allow me to explain my previous post.
The short answer is that my dwarf neighbor Steve (who is a complete dick: tip, shaft, foreskin, the whole shriveled package) asked me if I wanted to join his gang. Knowing he is a follower of my state mandated blog (well he was, I cut his internet cables yesterday morning), I may have (I did) posted a message making it seem like I was bitten by an “asshole zombie”. Despite the semi-confusing wording regarding toothed undead buttholes clamping down on me, I was removed from his RSVP (or RSV-Steve as I call ‘em) series of emails about “banding” together to defeat the “instruments” of our destruction. Despite few of his sharp musical puns falling flat, I struggled to get over the fact that he was literally the worst person I’ve ever met and that I would rather be dead or on fire or nailed to a dead guy on fire than see him again. So I deduced that I needed to fake my death, at least until they left the cul-dead-sac*. After three days of not showering (yolo) and marathoning the seven Mighty Ducks movies followed by the Dark Knight/Land Before Time crossover trilogy (best line: “some men just want to watch the land before time burn, Mr. Wayne”), I then realized this marauding group was gone. I could get on with my life, I could eat my cereal in peace.
This stage of the zombie apocalypse is what I call, well what I would call if the cell towers still worked, the butter stage, named so due to the spread of the virus over the breadth of the population. The zombie apocalypse can best be broken down into 4 stages or so, there may be more but I’m just gonna make like Paul McCartney and wing it . The first stage is subject zero and the initial spread to a few people. I call this stage the “dick who screwed everyone in the world over” stage or the “steve stage” for short. During this stage, the first person gets infected and spreads the disease to as many people as he can, sort of like Agent Smith in the Matrix (that’s actually a great example). This individual, called the “subject zero”, I’m assuming because Shia LaBeouf taught him to read or something, is responsible for creating the world-wide epidemic.
The next stage, stage number two for those mathematicians keeping track, is the “convenient loss of logic and reason” stage, where infected people keep telling themselves and other sick guys that they are ok and proceed to travel on an airplane of public transportation. Here people think they are somehow better than everyone else and won’t get infected when they get bitten, due to mankind’s narcissistic nature (I call this the “Steve effect”). After this stage, there is no preventing the zombie induced end of the world.
The next stage is known as the “butter stage” or called the “I fucking hate Steve so much cause he’s a human piece of shit” (I.F.H.S.S.M.C.H.A.H.P.O.S stage for short). This is where we’re at right now. Whereas everyone is trying to escape and flee the major cities and cul-dead-sacs**, I would recommend waiting for them all to die and re-animate. As they say in restaurants, good things come to those who wait.
The last stage is all the world. After the chaos simmers down, that is when survival begins. Only then do you have to deal with the Steve’s of the world (the people who think they are better than you/ the people who talk down to you even when you are forced to talk down to them), and also the flesh eating undead. After the fall of society, only now will your choices begin to matter. From here on out what you do is a matter of life and undeath.
**another use of the pun