Sithbusters: A Speech

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Jose Luis de Jesus, founder of the religion, Growing in Grace, in which he is both Christ and Anti-christ, claimed that on June 30th, 2012, the world’s governments and economies would fail and that he and his followers would undergo a transformation that would allow them to fly and walk through walls. To the best of my knowledge this has not happened.  (looks around cautiously)  This is just another example of failed predictions attempting to determine when the world will end. Who remembers the recent uproar over the whole 2012 thing? And no I am not referring to that film with John Cusack about those pissed off tidal waves and the giant earthquakes. I’m referring to December 21st, 2012, the supposed end of the world. Clearly these imbeciles were wrong and will likely never amount to anything in life. If it isn’t evident already there is something deeply and profoundly wrong with these people and their predictions.

Because it’s evident the world isn’t going to end on June 30th 2012 or December 21st of any year. It’s not going to end tomorrow or the next day. The world is going to end May 25th, 2014 at approximately half past 4:30. The proof has been in front of us all along, we merely weren’t searching in the right place. The answer isn’t in the bible or some sacred Hindu scripture. It’s not in a Beatles’ album played backwards or an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist where it turns out the villain was actually the brother of a ghost from the past sent to grow an army of werewolves to stop a robot uprising in the near future. The answer is in Star Wars.

Now you are all probably thinking to yourself: did this kid say Star Wars? A few of you might even be thinking: how does this handsome devil expect us to believe that Star Wars predicts the impending apocalypse? For those of you thinking that, I find your lack of faith disturbing. Star Wars has predicted almost every major event in modern US history with an accuracy greater than Chewbacca at a shooting range. Now before you go saying “It’s a trap!”, hear me out.

Take the recent bursting of the housing bubble way back in 2008. It’s no coincidence that the Death Star is shaped like an actual bubble and literally burst at the end of Episode IV: A New Hope. George Lucas, writer, director and prophet of the Star Wars saga, made subtle hints that he foresaw such a collapse not only in the Empire’s rigid regime but also in the United State’s housing market. The Death Star, residency of hundreds of thousands of stormtroopers, essentially a giant home, was obliterated in the blink of an eye. How you may ask? A tenacious rascal named Luke Skywalker fired two proton cannons into the unprotected reactor core. A ship the size of a moon, brought down by a single, fatal flaw. Sound familiar? The massive, too big to fail housing industry brought down by a fatal flaw, not by an ill-protected reactor core, but by subprime mortgages the average consumer was unable to repay. Luke Skywalker, an everyman raised on a moisture farm on the desert planet Tatooine, is a metaphor for the average consumer, a consumer bogged down by a huge mortgage, a low paying job, and an overbearing half robot father who cut off his hand with a crimson lightsaber.

Star Wars has also foreseen the rise of the most powerful man in the galaxy, President Barack Obama. This prophetic vision is exemplified in one of the most polarizing characters in all of film: Jar Jar. Binks. Jar Jar, known for his slackjaw smile and those creepy ear-like things hanging from the back of his head, is introduced in the beginning of the new trilogy, The Phantom Menace. His thick Gungan accent and his tendency to spout such gems as “meesah jar jar binks” and “housah are yousa” and “Uh-huh” immediately distinguish him from all the other characters. Starting deep down in the mire and filth of politics, by the end of The Phantom Menace, Binks manages to wade himself up to the position of senator. Some people, mainly rebel scum, tend to write off Jar Jar Binks as nothing more than a marketing ploy on today’s youth. They are woefully mistaken. After all, these are the same people who thought Obi-Wan Kenobi was a good name for a child. Jar Jar Binks was a vehicle for George Lucas to predict the ascension of the first ethnic president of the United States. Obama, like Jar Jar Binks, came from very humble beginnings in the exotic land of Hawaii, and like Jar Jar, was known to smoke marijuana while studying law at Columbia. The fact that, through rearranging the name Jar Jar Binks, you can spell Barack, assuming that you misspell Barack, is further evidence of the accuracy of this prediction. Some of you scalawags might counter this prediction, saying “But hey, wasn’t Palpatine, not Jar Jar, supreme chancellor?” To those of you saying that, try this on for size.

(do a force choke motion at someone in the audience, hold it for a while, then say)

“The force is strong with this one”

Though Palpatine is Chancellor, Jar Jar is the most infamous character of the series. In terms of influence Binks surpasses even the unlimited power of the Chancellor, with a level of influence echoed only by Barack Obama, a name, which not coincidentally, sounds like a phrase Jar Jar would have made up.

Now that the predicting power of Star Wars is beyond reproach, let me explain where the series predicts the apocalypse. The apocalypse will begin with the death of capitalism. The death of capitalism’s lifeblood, corporation, will rapidly and violently take place. This is referenced in Return of the Jedi, when eccentric oil tycoon Jabba the Hutt is strangled by his own lust for power and wealth, and also by Princess Leia. This uprising by the Princess Leia, Jabba’s slave, mirrors the 99% movement where big business is cast down to cold street and rapturous hellfire. Following the destruction of big business, organized government will soon follow suit. The organized, legitimate Galactic Empire, was destroyed from the inside by rebels and traitors and a wookie. In A New Hope, the first Death Star was blown up. Yet the Empire survived and regained their power. They even said “screw it, lets make another one of these death stars.” We all know how that turned out. Those rebel maniacs! They blew it up! Ah, damn them! Damn them all to hell! The Empire, finally, was destroyed. The same thing is happening in modern day society, we are just too blind to see it. The recession in 2009 was our first death star, the implosion of the United States economy. Yet our government recovered, grew stronger and is growing stronger.

Essentially, we’ve begun construction of our second death star, an explosion from which we will never recover from. Banks are giving out loans, medicare and medicaid is being gutted like a tauntaun, Obama may or may not be socialist muslim who threw his own embassy in Libya off a fiscal cliff and tswift is churning out albums about one night stands like its her job. I didn’t expect the world would end this way, but the only thing I can do is accept it. I’m not going to be like Jose Luis de Jesus, saying we’re all going to fly through walls and walk on the sunshine. Because that is stupidity. Everyone should just accept the apocalypse. But don’t believe the predictions the imbeciles tell you. We don’t have time for their stupidity and their lies. Because our second death star is primed to explode and the apocalypse is days away.

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a lightsaber

I have a bad feeling about this

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