Discovery Channel presents “The Fourth Rock From the Sun”

The robotic dog named Origami barks viciously at the mailman. Origami is an experimental dog created by the Americans to spy on the public and prevent alien attacks/destroy “commies”. This dog may be robotic but on the outside he looks like your average dog. He has hair and legs. And one super ear capable of hearing miles away and capable of storing thousands of hours of conversation and uploading it to a self-aware computer deep in a bunker in Roswell, New Jersey. This computer referred to as “he who shall not be named”, though sometimes referred to as Computer 2.0, surveys Origami’s findings of the desert planet of Mars.  

Origami is owned by an unwitting teenager named Tokyo Drift (no relation to the movie), he is named so due to his fast and furious drifter life style and his origins in the small town of Tokyo, Jinan (in the future Japan and China merge to form a super-country called Jinan and conquer most of the Eastern world by unleashing an army of bloodthirsty samurobots, samurai robots). Mars is a difficult place for Tokyo to live in. The atmosphere is very dry and there is not much water. This means Tokyo lives week to week waiting for the water man to drop off water at his underground loft. That’s weak.

Tokyo and his dog Origami constantly walk the areas of Mars terraformed by the American “government”. Though Tokyo thinks he is safe he doesn’t realize that everything he is doing is being patrolled and monitored by the quasi-religious, mythological cult called the NSA. Using shadow groups such as the Knights Templar and the Illuminati and possibly the Galactic Trade Federation (though Nute Gunray is difficult to control), the NSA has tightened their grip on galactic civilization. Mars was merely the first in a long list of experiments. Perfecting their system of wiretapping and spying, the NSA now began to channel the dark side of the force to re-create the fallen Sith Empire. They began by excavating hidden tombs on Mars, full of the remains of Dark Lords of the Sith.

Mars has a thin atmosphere — too thin to easily support life as we know it. The extremely thin air on Mars can also become very dusty. The atmosphere of Mars is about 100 times thinner than Earth’s, and it is 95 percent carbon dioxide. The composition is as follows: Carbon dioxide: 95.32 percent, Nitrogen: 2.7 percent, Argon: 1.6 percent.

This environment is perfect for the NSA to usher in the return of the fallen Sith. Unlocking the technologies of warp drive and light “sabers”, the NSA continues to influence the inner machinations of the government from behind the shadows.  Corrupted by the Dark Side of the Force, the head of the NSA, now assuming the title Emperor Palpatine, decides to tighten his surveillance methods in order to control any possible rebels who could prevent the Sith from returning to power. This led to the development of a series of experimental dogs scattered across the galaxy. These dogs, through the use of quantum physics and non-euclidean geometry, are able to record video with their eyes. These dogs were designed to be already house-trained (another reason why robot dogs are better than living ones, but this is neither the time nor place). Possessing Origami, Tokyo did not realize that all his actions were being watched. Watching Tokyo, who preferred the name of Luke Skywalker, Palpatine felt a powerful disturbance in the force. Skywalker was the one threat left to the burgeoning NSA (National Sith Agency) and their rise to power.

Mars is the fourth planet from the sun and is often referred to as the red planet.

Palpatine moved swiftly to seize and detain Luke Skywalker and convert him to the NSA’s cause of global and galactic surveillance. Arriving with a battalion of storm troopers (left over from when the United States government contracted the illuminati to grow them a clone army during the second Civil War). It is in this Civil War (RIP Robot General Dronewall Jackson), that the United State’s government collapsed from rebellions by Hawaii, Puerto Rico and Virgin Islands and the coalition they formed, HPV. With the United States government destroyed and the influence of HPV spreading throughout North America, the illuminati aka the NSA aka the Galactic Sith Empire, decided to take control. Sending in a legion of dark Jedi and stormtroopers, the HPV threat was effectively cured. The vast wasteland that was once the United States and North America was rebuilt into a sprawling city wide continent named Coruscant. This is where Palpatine consolidated his power and expanded his influence, colonizing Mars to attempt to unlock the lost lore of the siths before him. This is where young Luke Skywalker (also known as Tokyo Drift) comes in.

Arriving at Luke’s underground loft with a fierce army of troopers and dark Jedi, Palpatine had Luke surrounded. Luke was immediately caught off guard, then caught by guards. Dragged out of his loft and screaming at the top of his iron lung (Luke was hooked up to an Iron Lung, just cause), Luke was taken to a secure underground bunker located underneath a Mars strip mall. This strip mall was cleverly disguised as a popular tourist destination. There were Panera Breads, a Toys r Us, a Kids Footlocker and a two story bathroom. This strip mall was able to exist due to a dome like environment placed by the emperor over the southern hemisphere (the good hemisphere). The northern hemisphere also known as the northern “hempisphere” was full of drug users and addicts. Ain’t no place y’all want to go to. Luke lies waiting underneath the strip mall in secure confinement, trapped behind the bars in a jail cell.

Scientist believe that the atmosphere of Mars is so negligible because the planet lost its magnetosphere about 4 billion years ago. A magnetosphere would channel the solar wind around the planet. Without one, the solar wind interacts directly with the ionosphere stripping away atoms, lowering the density of the atmosphere.

Lying in wait for the stormtroopers to kill him, he thought about how difficult it was living on Mars. His father Beijing Drift (turns out Drift is actually a family name, not because he’s a drifter) and his mother Drift Drift (This is because she’s a drifter) had both been repurposed into pink slyme™ (named slyme so it can trademarked). His grandpa Robot Drift was a robot who only calls when he needs money. His grandpa, a well known pleasure model, was known for his ability to turn “software” into “hardware.”

As Luke Skywalker waited behind the iron bars, waiting for his order of a non-alcoholic vodka, he remembered that the door was unlocked. Seizing the opportunity he cut a hole in floor with his lightsaber and descends down. He was immediately swarmed by a pack of hungry martian rats. Martian rats differ from Earth rats in that they don’t get government hand outs and were brought up through a flawed martian education system. The Martian rats swarmed him, unsheathing their latino shivs. Their shivs, made from recycled recycled taco shells dusted with the glow of refried beans, were sharpened to a point. Luke, using his powers in the force, communicated in their native dialect, an old martian variant on Spanish. Luke convinced the gang to let him by so long as he never step foot (either foot) on their turf again.

Emerging through a urinal in a Wendy’s bathroom, Luke was free from the clutches of Palpatine’s arthritic, HPV riddled hands. Ordering a chocolate frosty to go, Luke drifts around Little Tokyo (Little Tokyo is where the strip mall is located. Despite the name “little”, Tokyo is actually the largest metropolitan area inspired by the city “Tokyo” on all of Mars). Luke hoped to evade the guards but was caught but a robot dog named “Borigama” (the slightly more boring sibling of Origami, though arguably the more sophisticated of the two). The dog barked like a tree and soon Palpatine and his men were on top of Luke in a scene that would have frightened even Robot Drift.

Some proposed methods and strategies for the terraforming of Mars include Carbon dioxide sublimation ,importing ammonia, importing hydrocarbon, importing hydrogen, use of fluorine compounds, use of orbital mirrors, albedo reduction, and asteroid impact. Many of these strategies are aimed at increasing the amount of greenhouse gas in the atmosphere to increase the temperature of Mars’s surface to make it more hospitable for life.

Luke, now in the clutches of Emperobot Palpatine (Emperor Palpatine’s robot clone) now was in a real bind. He paused and took a deep breath and felt the flow of life around him. He became one with nature and tapped into his deep reservoir of force powers. Not wanting to be seen as a force pushover, Luke pushed them over – with the force. Running back to the strip mall he noticed on his left one of the hallowed tombs of the past Dark Lords of the Sith. He noticed that the sign said admission was free on Sunday and in a flood of relief remembered it was Sunday! Putting his wallet back in his pocket, he bolted through the entrance. As Palpatine, his robot clone, and the dark jedi flooded in, Luke now drew on the powers of the past Dark Lords of the Sith and summoned a lightning storm the likes Mars had only seen once before (August 14th, 2132, never forget). The lightning fried up Palpatine and his men, charring their bodies so they resembled a typical dish of Mars cuisine. Not coincidentally Luke ate them for dinner (people on Mars are cannibals). Luke lived happily ever after, even adopting a stray robot cat, naming him the “Cat and the Furious” (no relation to the movie). The end.

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