The White Whale

Most people are familiar with the white whale Moby Dick and are familiar with Captain Ahab and the Pequod’s journey through the world’s vast oceans. Yet this book was written in the 1850s! To put that in perspective, that was over 150 years ago. And to put that in perspective, that’s a little less than one fifth of a millennium! What I’m saying is this book is old news. Today, over 15 decades after the novel was written, whaling is all but banned worldwide. While some argue that the whale wars are still raging on, the whales are gaining ground, or I guess ocean would be more accurate. International regulations are attempting to curb stomp whaling in the countries that still practice it (throat clear – Japan – slowly end throat clear. Reach for cup of water to give throat clear credibility). Like painting at night, this dark art is quickly becoming outlawed.

While yes, the mostly-fictitious Moby Dick by Herman Melville is a literary classic, it’s also true to say that it has lost its relevancy. Other media is dealing with the important issues on modern day planet Earth. Take for example, the show Planet Earth. This show is highly relevant to the issues our planet, Earth, is facing right now. One episode features the Human Torch to serve as a metaphor for global warming. He goes around trying to pick up dates, a symbolic gesture illustrating the atmosphere picking up all the greenhouse gases: “Hi my name’s Johnny Storm. Or has my flame preceded me?” he says to underage women as panoramic views of glaciers melting sweep across the background. Baby penguins combust into a ball of flames as they waddle into oblivion. It’s truly enlightening, not just in regard to global warming but also in regards to understanding the mind of a sexual deviant: something alien to this predator is why these humans won’t blow his torch.  And while Johnny Storm has come under fire (something he also does every night with underage females) for his lifestyle he serves a valuable narrative purpose: he educates. Many people are unaware of global warming and the numerous species put at risk by our actions. Did you know there are over 65 species of fish in the sea?  There are over 30 different species of mammals on land. All of them are affected by global warming. Many people are unaware of this. Planet Earth shows humans that we are not alone on this great big ball of yarn.

This leads me back to Moby-Dick. In an era without computers or the 5-disc collector’s edition of Planet Earth ­on blu-ray, Melville’s magnum opus educated many on the act of whaling. Yet with the era of whaling coming to a close it is time to make his masterpiece relevant again. What does anyone do when he wants to inform the masses and also the non-Christians of the world, when they want to reintroduce a work that has been floating around like a coffin (M-D (Moby-Dick) reference) for centuries? They set it in modern times and make it into a movie. Look at “Romeo + Juliet” starring Leo D-Cap (we’re on an abbreviated name basis) and Claire Danes. This movie was the first attempted adaptation of Moby-Dick and despite its pedigree was a disaster.

I am proposing we reboot Moby-Dick. And though this reboot will have big shoes to fill, I believe we can turn this nautical adventure into something modern and relevant. We filter out the fluff like its goin’ through baleen (M-D reference). We turn this old ship into a war machine and declare war on the ocean, we raise a slave army so we can take back the motherland that is the Pacific, setting on fire everything and everyone in our path (M-D reference, probably. I didn’t get to the last half of the book). As a producer of mostly fan-fiction pornos based on the movie “Gremlins”, some people may be wondering why I am so interested in making a film about a novel about a whale. People tend to forget that I am a producer of films of all genres, Westerns, South-Westerns, dramedies, outer space North-Southerns (name any direction and I’ve produced it). Yes, I produce fan-fiction pornos based on Gremlins too, and more recently based on Gremlins 2 (the sequel is much richer philosophically speaking). Yes, this Gremlins 2 inspired film features a priest performing a sexorcism on a gremlin to remove him of a gay demon by showing him the ways of love. And yes, that scene made no sense. Yet, people want to know why I would turn my back on Gremlins and its sequel. They want a concrete answer, they don’t like to deal with anything asphalt*. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to worry about spilling water on my actors, or feeding them after midnight, or shining them with a bright light (last M-D reference, I promise). This film has the potential to change lives, to prove to Hollywood that maybe original ideas aren’t the best ideas. It has the potential to save the world from itself. And when you think about it, isn’t that what the movie industry is really about?

*as many of my readers have pointed out the correct term is abstract. Apparently I have been saying it wrong my entire life. The sentence should read “yet some people need a more abstract answer, they don’t like to deal with anything asphalt.”

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