UPDATE: Putin Announces “Change of Heart”

MOSCOW

This past Monday, in an unexpected turn of events comparable only to Joe Biden’s self-declared ascension to the British House of Lords, Russian President Vladmir Putin made the shocking announcement that he’s had a drastic change of heart in regard to the Winter Games at Sochi.  “I’ve just been looking at the issue the wrong way,” remarked Putin, referring to his distaste for the LGBT community.  The Russian leader has unveiled his plan for the newest Olympic sport, which will be making its debut at Sochi 2014: Same-Sex Ice Dancing.

All around Russia, citizens have been voicing nothing but praise for Putin’s bold decision.  Recent polls show that 98% of Russians exhibit “complete and utter support for the policy” — only four percentage points less than Putin’s approval rating.  Dmitri Medvedev, best known for his Oscar nomination as Best Supporting Actor for his role as Russian President from 2008-2012, wholeheartedly agrees with Putin’s decision.  “I wholeheartedly agree with Putin’s decision,” reads the charismatic Medvedev. “Putin is really bending over forwards to accommodate for the gay community.”

Such a proposal should not come as a surprise, however, as Putin has been aggresively pursuing a progressive agenda, according to state-sponsored journalists.  His support for minority groups including Muslims and Georgians has been unparalleled by western democracies, a point Putin calls “an unfortunate reality for the United States.”

Stalin’s liberal agenda hardly stops there, to the shock of many.  Later in the same interview, he announced that he would take the concept of same-sex ice dancing one step further.  In a fierce attempt to break gender barriers and bring the new sport to the next level, Putin states that Russia will only slate couples of opposite sexes to defy conservative norms.  “Truly revolutionary.  History has saved him a seat right between Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi,” declares Putin.

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