How to Write How to’s

Writing a how-to is a pretty simple endeavor. Let’s break down what a how-to is exactly.

  1. It’s a simple list of directions.

Yet there is something else required to make a how-to truly special. I will reverse engineer the ingredients of a how-to with a few choice examples, starting with one of the most important: irony. It is a popular vehicle, a literary Prius if you will, for aspiring instructors like yourself to teach others how to do menial tasks. Look at this post for an example.

How to Get Away With Murder

Step 1. After killing the victim, the first thing you should do is call the cops and confess for your dark crimes.

Ya see what happened there? Irony (Fe-y). Hopefully you did, because personally I think how-to’s are useless and ineffective. But let’s move on. Irony adds a little spice to the how-to gumbolaya. As Paula Deen once said “I love me some gumbolaya, ‘specially when it’s cooked with a touch of warm butter coated irony, n***a.” Another key ingredient of this popular stew is the carrots. And by carrots I mean symbolism. A how-to should not be a trite and bland affair. It needs to grab you by your gonads and squeeze them like a stress ball. Symbolism is a great way of doin’ this.  Use this how-to below as reference for a successful incorporation of symbolism.

How to Dispose of a Body

How to dispose of a body is easy. Ya just dump it in a ditch. Where to dispose it is the real question. The best place to dispose of your lost innocence is in death’s remorseful bed.

Clearly dispose is symbolic of burying a body and hiding it from the world. The word dispose is commonly associated with garbage and in this usage dispose is referring to human beings as garbage. A rather dark take on what could by a lively how-to but a successful demonstration of symbolic writing. Further more, a key addition to a how-to is the subtle incorporation of pop-culture references that do not distract from what you are attempting to convey.

How to Avoid Suspicion for Murder

Deflecting suspicion is a grueling and elaborate process. First of all, like that Mad King Aerys said, “burn them all.” You got to burn any evidence that may link you to the crime, clothing, receipts, old newspapers you used to poison someone. Make those items burn like Smeagol when he fell into Mount Doom at the end of Frodo’s epic quest to save Middle Earth from the dark lord Sauron.

This is a prime example of a subtle, non intrusive, widely known pop culture reference, similar to the King Kong reference Quentin Tarantino made in his classic film Inglourious Basterds. People might not even notice these references are there. Another essential for a clear and logical how-to is in personality. A how-to gumbolaya needs a healthy dose of peppers. And by peppers I mean sass, wit and a bit of charm. Here’s a prime example of the personality of the writer bleeding through into his writing, making for a more riveting and personable read than what would be.

How to Beat a Lie Detector Test

First all, ya knucklehead, is to prepare beforehand. Speaking from first hand experience, I found saying as little as possible to those pig assholes was the best approach.

Wow. You can feel the personality of this writer reverberating through the letters. He starts off casually calling us knuckleheads, that rascal, and then changes his tone to reflect his disdain of the many scumbag, jerk off cops in the world. One of the last things a good how-to needs is experience. Why should you trust this guy? The writer needs to have credentials and information that make him a reputable source. This blog post for example, illustrates both of those attributes.

How to Be Cleared of First Degree Homicide Charges When the Evidence is Stacked Against You and There are Several Key Eyewitnesses and You Don’t Have Enough Money to Hire A Hitman?

Despite the frequency of this situation, very few people know what to do when they find themselves in it.  I have found myself in their moccasins on occasion and unlike them I was cleared of almost all my charges. The first thing you need to do is find a loan agency willing to front the money towards a hitman.

This is a great example of an author of a how-to with actual experience. On an unrelated note this is the 28th how-to I wrote and all of mine have been almost unanimously well reviewed. An author without credibility is simply spewing out garbage. No one will believe him and its a waste of everyone’s time. People need to believe you to get your message across. The last ingredient towards a successful how-to is admit that your advice is not flawless. Humility is a key factor of a good how to and helps deflect blame from you in case you are wrong. Below is a masterful demonstration.

How to Find a Cell Mate Who Respects Your Independence

Preferably look for a cell mate incarcerated for a non-sexual crime. A person in jail for insider trading is usually a good bet. However, despite the good track record with these stock broking prisoners, not everyone has had a good experience. A friend of mine bunked with one who, as it turns out, was an “insider” trader, meaning that he traded the insides of people he had skinned in return for sexual favors. Known as Robert Flay, he was imprisoned for organ trafficking. So, despite what I have told you, not all insider traders are the best cell mates.

This clearly illustrates the last successful ingredient in my gumbolaya of knowledge. Despite the copious ingredients I have added to the pot of life, there several people who have used this how-to and wrote unsuccessful how-tos in return. There is no right way to write right right away. The rites of right writing are not black and white. There are two things to do to write a right how to too. They are to follow my how-to on how to write how-to’s and to follow my how-to on how to write how-to’s.

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