Government Conspiracies: Inside the NSA

Edward Snowden’s understated leaking abilities have given society the answers to some of the most mystifying questions throughout history. We finally know who watches watchmen.

Hint: It’s the NSA

Do you think it’s a coincidence that the spelling of NASA contains NSA? Do you think those “hunks of metal” (good name for a robot boy band) sent up in the atmosphere are there to give us basic cable? The NSA is using the Hubble Telescope to take hi-def pictures of use when we are at our most vulnerable. In their massive data base they have compromising information on everyone in the United States. You think they don’t hear all your conversations? They do. You don’t think they heard you tell your dog the only way your trying to fill the huge hole inside of you with a weekly prostate exam? They did. Here’s one notable conversation the NSA has stored in their database; certain names and actions will be substituted with well known Star Wars characters to ensure the privacy and protection of the people in the following dialogue.

Supreme Chancellor Palpatine: So then I’m just driving down the Merritt Parkway with this dead body in my trunk and I realize, guess who’s calling me, yeah, you guessed it, Greedo. Actually I might have called first. But yeah he was talking about how Jabba had fingered the Sarlacc Pit while Darth Vader’s Charred Body watched. He said they went through the dry run in a few parsecs but C-3P0 had gotten it all on film.

Death Star: All I asked was “what is your perfect Sunday?”

If that conversation did not convince you of the NaSA’s reach then perhaps this write up will. This character profiling took place on one of America’s most well known senator’s. This write up will swap out the names of American politicians with characters from Shakespeare to protect their privacy.

“Iago is a middle aged man. He was born in a small New York town to a family of six. He has served aboard Senate with distinction for several decades. He voted affirmatively for the invasion of Iraq. He voted to give citizenship to illegal aliens. He supports gay marriage and the right for a woman to choose how to abort her baby. He is known for wiping horizontally in a stabbing motion using double pleated toilet paper, even if he only pees. He has had sex for money, though he is usually the one paying. He once stated the only way to make a Republican open minded is by cutting their head open with a cleaver. He then proceeded to make dinner for a human centipede themed orgy. It was shit. He is known for going “Commando” in public and by that I mean excessively quoting the mostly-fictitious Arnold Schwarzenegger classic film “Commando”. He is subscribed to a magazine a series of pulp magazines and by that I mean he reads extensively about Orange Juice. He has multiple black belts (there was a sale at Men’s Wearhouse) and he went as someone who wasn’t a registered sex offender last halloween. He frequently has sexual relations with fellow members of the senate; he has been seen repeatedly stabbing Mercutio, a member of the house, and has been observed to have shouted “I’ll show you a missile crisis”, which we have interpreted as either braggadocio or a reference to his erectile dysfunction.

Iago is a licensed juggalo and owns a pair of leather overalls used in the pornographic film “The Fantastic Fourway.” He also voted in favor of passing Obama-Care. He has served five terms in the senate and has also presided over several weddings, six in total, three of them between a man and an inflatable sex doll. In the other three, the two parties being wed were both sex dolls. He is in support of labor unions and raising the salaries of school teachers through harvesting the organs of stray cats on the street and putting them into orphan children. He has not explained how this will generate the money to give to teachers but a draft of the bill has recently been pushed through congress. Iago is a part-time neo-nazi and “conveniently” burnt the kosher hot dogs at his barbeque last week. He has been overheard saying to a young woman “you’re more shallow than a kiddie pool”, which admittedly was a pretty good dig and is gaining popularity here in the NSA (especially with you, Bill, you should probably cut back on it, you’re wearing it out. And stop calling all the women in the office “whores”. If this is because your wife left you for your identical twin, let it go. I know it’s hard (unlike your penis). Sorry, sorry that was a low blow, but probably the last blow you’ll get in a while. But seriously don’t take this lying down. She should be the one lying down, under you. Heyoooo. But seriously get see a psychiatrist or something, everyone at the office is worried about you). Iago also slept through last Christmas (the Kranks were none too pleased) and awoke the following day in time to attend mass (though he did not have time to put on clothing).”

This concludes a brief portrait of the United States Congressman Iago and all the classified, sensitive information the NSA had on him.

This post is dedicated to a dear friend Bill Montague, a computer technician at the NSA. He was a deeply troubled man, but one of unrivaled kindness and empathy. He really knew how to put himself in someone else’s skin. He was found dead in his apartment, an apparent suicide, wearing a suit made out of the skin of his ex-wife Julia. R.I.P.


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