The Untold History of Cults

Cults have gotten a bad rap of the years (courtesy of geometric rhyme spinner MC Escher) yet what many don’t realize is that cults are actually a beautiful thing given to us by the hand puppet turned snake God Glycon. Cults are not “evil”, “demon-worshipping” “groups” but rather a place where people with similar interests can get together. Think of it as a google hangout for the soul, a skype between the pagan deities of our world and our hearts.

The word “cult” is one people hear often. It’s usually tossed about in a negative context, an example being “hey did you catch that story about the incestuous cult leader Radar and his stable of pig-wives?” But enough about breaking stories from Fox News about a certain liberal senator. This is far more important. Cults are the foundation for the United States and for the rest of the modern worlds. They are institutions deserving of respect and deserving of their status as a cornerstone of society. Glycon will accept nothing less.

The history of cults has stretched its scaly tentacles throughout much of western civilization and even some northern civilization (it prefers to stay above the tropic of cancer). Perhaps the most notable cult in all of history is the Knights Templar. The Arch-Bishop, known for his penchant for chess and aqueducts, turned the flowers and free verse poetry group into the worshiping war machine loved by many. The Knight’s Templar, a group of armor clad men who met after sunset, was originally a benign group of men praising the pagan demon Jesus (pronounced: Jeyh-suez). The arrival of the Arch-Bishop made things take a decidedly more cultish turn. He immediately turned this society secret. Their subscription to the medieval netflix was begrudgingly cancelled, toilet paper was reduced to single ply, and membership was limited a select handful. However, due to the arch-bishop’s massive grabbers the organization actually contained a wide berth of appointees. They went on to fight some well known battles in history: the Crusades, World War 1 and its bigger budget sequel. They fought in the Revolutionary War and inspired the final battle against Master Hand in the mostly fictitious Super Smash Bros. Clearly this cult has shaped the course of history liked Michelangelo shaped clay.

Speaking of clay, one must not forget one of the most influential cult members in the history of the United States: Henry. Speaker of the house from 1811 to 1820, he viewed this position as a side job as his main occupation: cult leader. Clay worshipped the God of War, later to be known as President Obama, and sacrificed members of congress to appease him. This practice lingers on today, taking place behind closed doors during congressional hearings. Those politicians who refuse to be sacrificed are conspired against, their images destroyed: Andrew Weiner, Eliot Spitzer, Monica Lewinski are all victims of this system of worship and sacrifice. Clay spearheaded a project on the art of drone warfare. This project, continued by Ben Stein, was brought to completion under the mighty God of War.

Now to end this blog post with a prayer to Glycon, the one true false God:

Glycon, oh slimy and scaly one, we give you these gifts: a re-gifted unopened DVD set of the The Wire (it’s probably the best show I said I’ve watched but never have!), a re-gifted ham n’ cheese hot pocket, and the instruction manual for Mechanical tentacles from Japan. Take these offerings and in return shower us in the venom of the your favor.

Oh Glycon, the coiled God, forgive us for all of our heresy. Forgive Nics of the time he said Steven Seagal would lose in a fight to quack-fu master Howard the Duck. Forgive both of us for having watched the movie Howard the Duck though, sidebar: it wasn’t as bad as people said it was. I can definitely understand its growing cult following (it’s being screened at the Knight’s Templar Monday Movie Knight; they finally gave in and got Netflix again). I thought the film would cheer Nics up after his disastrous karaoke rendition of “Who Let the Dog’s Out?” and because a black man called him “saltine”, presumably a more severe variation of the term “cracker”. Forgive Joe Biden for attempting to use the phrase “not in my town Charlie Brown” while touring Harlem.  Use your all of your all-powerful powers to bring the United States to a period of enlightenment and make it a place so that DICE makes Battlefront 3 a place where we can play as the younglings vs dark side Anakin and where we can also have Wampa pilots in the intergalactic space battles.

Amen.

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