How to: Get a Girl/Guy and/or both if you’re a questioning Mormon/Muslim/Tiger Woods

This is something we’re really good at.  And by “this” I mean writing “how to’s”.  According to Tyler’s parole officer, our blog has thus far failed to serve the community.  Tyler’s parole officer was found dead in a dumpster this morning.  Regardless, to avoid having to tie up any more loose ends (see: how to get away murder, a two step guide recently published on Zimmerman’s blog) we’ve made the executive decision to throw in some handy advice.  So without further ado, how to.

Step one is all about the approach.  You don’t want to be too noticeable.  Think: black guy in a Norwegian bar. That’s a bad example.  In fact, we’ll call that our counterexample, but bear with me.  Go to the local hardware store.  Grab a couple rolls of duct tape, a few feet of rope, lighter fluid, chain, a padlock, a mask, and then proceed to the checkout counter. Don’t attempt to haggle. They’re more likely to call animal control if you do. And now, the kill.  Drive up as close as you can to him/her, jump out of the van (by the way, you should be in a van if it wasn’t obvious), gain as much attention as possible, and nonchalantly dump all the goods from the hardware store into to the Kids in Need of Chains, Ropes, n’ Lighter Fluid collection bin.  That’s when you drop the “Oh hey! I know you! You’re that girl/guy! OMG I didn’t even know you were here – where I am – donating things – to kids in need – who need the things I have and you’re right there. Ha. Yeah. Small world! Ha ha. yeah…”

One of two things will happen here:

1) The plan will work perfectly because the guy/girl is in special ed

2) The foot chase begins

 

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