The Art of In/Deduction

So you see a morbidly obese Puerto Rican man riding in the pouch of a Kangaroo in the outback approaching speeds of 40 mph. You want to know what’s his favorite fugue from Bach. We can help you with that.

You see a man lit on fire skydiving from the cockpit of a Soviet Era submarine. You want to know which passage from Deuteronomy is his favorite. We can tell you that. And more. Hell we can get you his top three.

You see the voice actor of the guy who was in that thing with those people. You want to know his name. We can tell you his name. First and last! No guarantees on middle.

You may be asking yourself, how can these two mates tell us all that? You may also be asking yourself, how did they know I’m British? The answer, and more, is found in the art of induction and deduction, an ancient artform pioneered by the mostly fictional Sherlock Holmes, that we are about to teach you.

First things first, what’s the difference between induction and deduction? The answer is in-de. Here’s how to find that:  

1.) induction – deduction.
2.) You cancel out the “duction”s and you got in and de.
3.) Now just put your de back in the equation and you get in-de. Basic trig.

Now in case you haven’t realized, I’m not here to teach you about induction or deduction, I don’t have the time nor patience. I know what I said earlier in the last paragraph. That was the first test. For those who deduced that already, you are on your way to greatness, you will induce and deduce your way to the top of the food chain. To the many who have not, you are the problem. When people hear the word problem, many deduce that there is a corresponding answer. This is called a one step induction. It is the lowest, simplest form of induction. It is also the most common. The following is an examine of a one step induction.

Person 1 (aka Nics): I really like Asian women
Person 2 (aka Bane): k

Next day

Person 1: I’m going on a date today
Person 2: Is she Asian?
Person 1: ;)

This illustrates the one step principle. Using background information or information gleaned from the environment you are able to arrive at logical, accurate conclusions involving Asian women. Sound good? Good. Now you all ready for the next step?

Yup y’all done gone n’ deduced it (sorry, sometimes I slip back into my old southern drawl from the bayous of Norleans (New Orleans)). This is the two step process.

This process requires two layers of analytical reasoning to arrive at a conclusion. Think of each layer as a bean in a three-bean salad, except the chef for some reason (his creators beating him as a child) inexplicably left out the third bean, so there are only two layers of beans in this three bean salad. So you’re angry and complaining to the chef asking “Hey cooking guy, where the rest my beans at?” and he looks at you and he’s like “I’ve bean very busy” (that wasn’t a pun, he has a thick Ukranian accent. Based on induction I have reason to believe Ukranian’s pronounce ‘been’ as ‘bean’). And then you say “Bean there, done that” (this is a bad pun, not due to any accent, it elicits a collective facepalm) and he says “0101011101” (you’ve realized that this dude is a robot). And you say “Hey Bjorn CyBorg , this statement is false” and he’s like “Oh sheeeeet” and his head explodes. And then you’re like “I guess when he goes shopping he shouldn’t buy two boats, especially later on when he has to park them because he doesn’t respond well to a pair a docks”. Then the possibly French maitre’d (though he may just have a speech impediment) stabs you in the abdomen while twiddling his mustache in between his thumb and index finger. Clearly you’re one liners need work. That was almost not even one line. You got saved by that comma.

Aight, well as you probably induced, that’s all the time we have for this session. The lesson will be continued…

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