Carnival Cruises

I’m here today, here behind a computer screen typing on a keyboard overcome with crippling depression, to talk to you about Carnival Cruises, the company recently in the headlines for failed plumbing. Carnival Cruises, the scourge of the seven seas. Those bastards.

With all these talks of fires on their cruise ships or faulty plumbing or a segregated steerage deck their image in the mind of the public continues to sour. Much like expired milk. But unlike expired milk, Carnival Cruises is a multi-million dollar enterprise. Thus it has higher standards than the perennial 4 dollar-a-gallon ooze from the swollen udders of a cow. Each failure is treated as a more drastic offense. This contrast parallels the BP Horizon Oil Spill. We may not cry over spilt milk, especially if said milk is expired, yet when a few gallons of gasoline begin to seep into the ocean then we complain. Like BP, Carnival is at the crossroads of their destiny, suffering an identity crisis amid a PR nightmare. Each shortcoming taints their brand name. Every time the average consumer reads of a clogged poop chute or of food poisoning from expired corn chips, the images the name Carnival Cruises conjure begin to degrade.

In it’s golden era, Carnival Cruises inspired images of majestic, gaping circus tents, elephants juggling chainsaws, clowns throwing pies at lactose intolerant toddlers, desegregation. Nowadays the name Carnival Cruises invokes images of segregated drinking fountains, a racist diaper on fire in the middle of a mosh pit at an Insane Clown Posse concert, a serial killer wearing the skin of an albino police officer slow dancing with a mannequin to Just Give Me a Reason, a clinically depressed tortoise in the middle seat of an airplane, or a Carnie named Jak who collects the tickets from kids so they can go on broken “rides”, the very same Jak who uses his below minimum wage paycheck to nourish and sustain his crippling heroin addiction that was brought about from prolonged years of emotional trauma he suffered from an abusive alternate personality. The list goes on.

Carnival clearly needs to change how they are perceived by the public if they want to survive into the next few decades. Carnival has taken a lot of shit from a lot of people the past few months; part of the reason Carnival has that their ships are incapable of taking it. Yet that is not even Carnival’s biggest transgression. Carnival managed to cover up their most recent, catastrophic fluke: the sinking of their crown jewel, their ship, “The Crown Jewel” while taking a cruise in the Indian Ocean.

As you’ve probably deduced (if you haven’t please re-read the post on the art of deduction), I was on that ship. That is true; and as many of you surmised, that boat has sunk. Due to a comical mix up, Carnival Cruises packed 20 cases of pico de gallo, instead of 20 lifeboats. At the time this tasty accident seemed to be for the best, providing the perfect companion to the bowls of corn chips scattered throughout the ship. Floating here, in the middle of the ocean, on a raft I made out of the bodies of drowned schoolchildren, I’m here to tell you this is not the case. And as I ration the rest of my stash of corn chips I reflect on Carnival Cruises.

Carnival Cruises epitomizes everything that is wrong with the United States of America: it is gluttonous, it feeds off the hard work of American taxpayers and they overcook their poultry, especially their sous chef Peter. Speaking of sued chefs, their assistant chef Randall was flagged for using kitchen equipment to tenderize his own meat. He beat his own eggs during company hours in other words. His special sauce was found in several of Carnival’s dishes. This chef is a microcosm for Carnival Cruises as a whole. The company, as Randall did, attempts to take a hands on approach, though it usually ends up making a mess. Carnival Cruises is simply impotent -sorry- incompetent, and are piloting their ships into the vessels of mismanagement and bureaucracy. Did you know that the Carnival Cruises won’t let black people have non-consensual sex on their ships? It’s true. This carnival is operating in the stone age. They need to right their course of action but sadly, I am beginning to think that ship has sailed. If Carnival Cruises doesn’t change their ways, unclog their poop chutes and affirmify their actions, then they are destined to be the next company that goes under.


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