About the Crime…

As many of you are aware, unlike many of our competitors, this blog has very humble beginnings. These beginnings began inside the mahogany stained interior of an Southern courtroom. During the sentencing stage of a courtroom trial, after it was decided that littering on the highway is a punishable crime and after it was also decided that dumping a corpse on the side of the Merritt Parkway constitutes littering, our blog sprung to life. Heavily regulated by law enforcement, our blog is the ideal outlet to fulfill community service hours.  And as with any news site, we want our readers to take everything we tell them as irrefutable truth and to confront any source of contrasting opinions with extreme violence and anger. In this blog eat blog world we need the trust of our readers; they need to know exactly what happened on that ill fated July night involving a decomposing corpse, a belgian waffle press, and several bayonets.

So after leaving from a belgian waffle press and bayonet convention in upper Connecticut, and slightly drunk on some alcohol-infused maple syrup, I decided to watch the classic, mostly-fictitious movie, The Terminator. For our readers unaware of this classic, it involves Arnold Schwarzenegger as a robot bodybuilder from the future who travels back in time to become Governor of California. After a scandalous picture comes to light of him naked with a couple of roombas, his campaign and marriage to Maria Shriver are effectively destroyed. He decides to take up a job for Skynet, a self aware computer system from the future, and hunts down the one man capable of preventing Skynet from becoming self aware: Predator. After tracking down the Predator and reading off pre-installed one liners the screen cuts to black.

Now that ya all know about the movie, the story can proceed. Violently aroused from the film, I set out to satisfy my bloodlust the only way I know how: low stakes online gambling. Playing through the night, sheet (shit) began to get real. Down fifteen dollars to some bad people, they asked me to do them a favor to even out the money I owed them. One hit and the debt would be forgiven. What I didn’t know was that I would be hitting them not with my fists but with the bullet of an AK-47! I tracked down the culprit. His arrest record was full of crimes and a few punishments. He was a convicted axe murderer despite not owning the proper permits, burned down an orphan past curfew and spoiled an episode of Breaking Bad by posting a picture of him shooting a DEA agent named Hank. He could clearly be a handful. So I shot him in the back of the face with my trusty ol’ revolver named Qui-Gun Jinn, leaving him on the verge of deathlessness. I shoved him in my trunk.  

Next I picked up my metaphorical partner in crime Nicolo and went to do some hard math with some inner-city kids in Fairfield. It was the perfect crime until I accidentally posted pics of me finishing him off with a sharpened right triangle on facebook. Though it received 18 likes and counting : ), I also was convicted of murder in the 90th degree. Taking a plea deal, the conviction was reduced to second degree littering and they began sentencing. The sentence in regards to the crime came to an abrupt end when. I was ordered to create this blog to serve my time. So now that you know about that fateful night, stick around and read about the dangers of low stakes gambling addiction and living life on the fast lane while carrying a dead body in your trunk.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s